im going on a mini trip with Ryan this weekend...tell you about when i get back!

"For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth. "

Life can be tough at times and all you really need is a hug and a shoulder to cry on. You don’t need words you just need to be raw and let yourself feel what you need to feel. It can be hard sometimes for a lot of people to be so vulnerable, but if that’s what you need why try to hide it. Sometimes it’s really hard to show what you really feel but by not sharing you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. I thought that I could try and hide my insecurities….but I can’t. The reality of my situation is I got really scared and hurt, I’m letting that affect things with the relationship I have now. Why do we do that? I mean they are nothing alike….only small things…make me sit and wonder. I feel like this is too good to be true and something bad is going to happen…he’s going to try and kill me or worse…be with someone else…(I know I rather die than be cheated on again…how crazy is that….it just hurts so bad..It still hurts) I wish I really could believe that I can be happy. I know I love Ryan but…I’m holding back and he knows it…he can feel it. Like the other day he asked me how well I knew him…he said I never ask him questions. I thought about it and he’s right…I don’t really ask…because I don’t really want to know. That’s messed up isn’t it? I said well you ask me questions all the time…you know me…he said not really…you never really answer them…you give really vague answers. I just kind of laugh it off and talk about something random. Ryan said I’m like a puzzle and well it makes him work that much harder to gain my trust to be worthy of what I have to tell him. I don’t understand why he loves me so much. A part of me feels like it’s just because he just wants to start a new chapter in his life and I seem like a good prospect. Why can’t I just believe he has no motive…he isn’t using you…or is he? Grrrrrr….So the other day Ryan did something somewhat reminiscent of Evan…I had a panic attack…I just left and ran away. Ryan says he understands….but no one really can…a lot of shit went down in a short amount of time…and well let’s face it wasn’t that long ago…I’m still digesting a lot of it still.  I wish I could let it go and just start really fresh….but I can’t…I mean that stuff did not happen to me for no reason….I was meant to learn something from that…and well I need to be cautious, guarded and vigilant. But if I’m trying to protect myself I won’t experience life the way it was meant to be experienced. I can’t live life like there is a sheet of glass around me…like I can see, but can’t touch….thats not right. We need to take risks! That’s life! It hurts sometimes…but you get through it somehow….some days I’m surprised how I have managed to cope… (To be honest with you I have not divulged all that happened, because it was too painful, too hard to even think about)…oh gosh…I just have a lot going on in my head and I can’t seem to get away from it…it’s always there…he’s always just kind of there. I’m not depressed or anything just extremely pensive…just lost in thought. I have issues to work out….but don’t we all?

So the last days have been a little hard. I have seen Ryan cry and it was the hardest thing for me to witness…he’s not the crying type…but his grandma passed away a few days ago and it was hard for him. Life and death it’s a natural part of life but...it’s hard to believe that that person you loved so much is really gone and you will never see them again in this life. It’s not like they are on holiday…they are gone. It makes you realize how precious life is and to be happy for what you have. That you are alive and well and have people that love and care about you. It’s an amazing thing…life…death.  We live and we die but a lot of people fear what is inevitable.

I know what you are thinking…gosh she is in such a dark place…I’m not….I just got snowed in my house today and have lots to think about. I can’t go anywhere…just in my head.

I'm Falling Even More In Love With You

Surprise surprise!! I’m alive! I know what you must be thinking where the hell have you been? Have you been eating by squirrels? Nope…and before you ask another question I will just say nope to that as well. I have been around. I have been enjoying life and I got all caught up in it.... (Your welcome Lisa…this is for you). Ok were to start….so much I should say! Ok Well I will be going to Sweden May 25^th 2012! Its official I will be there in about two freaking months! Ahhhhhhhh! I’m sooooo excited! I have been working towards this for months. Lisa! (And the wonderful people of Sweden) I hope you are ready for this! Also the plan is to travel to other countries in Europe as well. I’m so excited! I’m going to live the dream! Ok so let’s see…what else has happened…ok…I will tell you the highlights of the month….

All right….sometime around the 10^th of February my cousin Pearl turned 20… (Yieks!!) We are close but don’t get to see each other that often…but when we do…It’s always a good time. Any way she had a party and well I got wasted….it was not pretty sight. But Ryan my man came and helped me out. It was so funny how Pearl and Ryan met…he was in the car and Pearl was saying goodbye to me outside the window. She gave Ryan a lazy smile and said “Thanks for picking up my drunken cousin” Ryan chuckled and said no problem…as I was screaming out the window “I Love You PEWE!!!” That night Ryan was very understanding and very kind with me. He took care of me. (I love the kid!) Also that night his roommate of a female dog (she is mean…and I don’t like her very much…she just rubs me the wrong way….and I like people…there just something about her…and it’s not good…) Any way he took me to his place first but she kicked him out as well as myself…can you believe that shit…it’s his home as well…he can do what he wants….anyway this started a later drama that I will get to in a bit. I swear she was just waiting by the stairs just to yell at us…I didn’t even make a sound….grrrrrr….(Oh I just want to add that I don’t get hangovers…thank you budda!)

So a few days go by and it’s Ryan’s 24^th Birthday! YAAAAAA!!!!! In between that time I told Ryan about this guy at work who has been flirting with me hardcore….My friend Kay (I work with her) and I have been over it and well she understands that I’m just a friendly person…so is this guy Miles…but he is more friendly with me…he touches my arm and bumps into me on purpose….I know what you must be thinking so what…but the messed up thing about it, is that his now ex girlfriend helped him get the job there…and yes she still works there and yes we are friends. It’s just awkward… (More on this later) Any who, Ryan had a joint Birthday party with his cousin that I went to. I met all of Ryan’s family…It was really fun. We played pool and this game called bunko and I’m not bad at it. It was an interesting evening…that is for sure. BAHAHAHAHAH!

Ok so towards the end of February I really upset Ryan…I made comment about Miles at the wrong time….well I should have not said anything period…but I say shit without thinking….The comment more or less implied that I messed around with Miles…I WAS KIDDING! I WOULD NEVER! I really hurt Ryan’s feelings…and we were going to hangout but he just took me home…he couldn’t even look at me. The next day at work was super uncomfortable…he texted me early that morning saying he loved me so much and didn’t want to lose me. I thought we were ok but…he did not say a single word to me...Not one…he ignored me…but we were going to go to dinner with his mother after I got done with work at 4:30…we went but they were talking about him moving back home…the situation with his roommates has not gotting any better...anywho we had a talk…and I found out that Ryan is the jealous type. I get jealous too, but not that jealous unless I see or hear something I don’t like, something to make me see red. He was telling me in the past a lot of ex girlfriends would play mind games with him and well it kind of affects his present relationship with me. He says he trusts me…but he feels like if I bring him up… is that the guy I really want to be with instead….the answer is HELL NO! I understand where he is coming from. So at the end of our talk he just asked that I never bring him up again…I looked at him and said “I don’t even know who you are talking about.” He smiled and said “Good neither do I” I’m so happy I have him in my life! He is amazing! He is just the best! But a few weeks ago…Ryan asked me if I was still in love with Evan. I froze…I was like where did that come from? My mother ended up running into Evan’s grandma at a grocery store…they talked and my mother asked her how Evan was doing. She told her that he has come with terms with the whole situation…he is taking his meds and volunteering keeping busy. His grandma told my mom that Evan had two big things that he retargeted this summer, not getting to go to his Leap year program and losing me from his life. When my mom told me this I just swallowed a big lump and felt somewhat sick. I wanted to cry….Soooo I told Ryan that I wasn’t in love with the kid still…I just wonder about him from time to time….

Any way now it’s March! Its crazy time is just whizzing by. I will do my best to keep in touch with this part of my life but…the real world has so many places its talking me….and you know what…I’m enjoying the ride!