"For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth. "

Life can be tough at times and all you really need is a hug and a shoulder to cry on. You don’t need words you just need to be raw and let yourself feel what you need to feel. It can be hard sometimes for a lot of people to be so vulnerable, but if that’s what you need why try to hide it. Sometimes it’s really hard to show what you really feel but by not sharing you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. I thought that I could try and hide my insecurities….but I can’t. The reality of my situation is I got really scared and hurt, I’m letting that affect things with the relationship I have now. Why do we do that? I mean they are nothing alike….only small things…make me sit and wonder. I feel like this is too good to be true and something bad is going to happen…he’s going to try and kill me or worse…be with someone else…(I know I rather die than be cheated on again…how crazy is that….it just hurts so bad..It still hurts) I wish I really could believe that I can be happy. I know I love Ryan but…I’m holding back and he knows it…he can feel it. Like the other day he asked me how well I knew him…he said I never ask him questions. I thought about it and he’s right…I don’t really ask…because I don’t really want to know. That’s messed up isn’t it? I said well you ask me questions all the time…you know me…he said not really…you never really answer them…you give really vague answers. I just kind of laugh it off and talk about something random. Ryan said I’m like a puzzle and well it makes him work that much harder to gain my trust to be worthy of what I have to tell him. I don’t understand why he loves me so much. A part of me feels like it’s just because he just wants to start a new chapter in his life and I seem like a good prospect. Why can’t I just believe he has no motive…he isn’t using you…or is he? Grrrrrr….So the other day Ryan did something somewhat reminiscent of Evan…I had a panic attack…I just left and ran away. Ryan says he understands….but no one really can…a lot of shit went down in a short amount of time…and well let’s face it wasn’t that long ago…I’m still digesting a lot of it still.  I wish I could let it go and just start really fresh….but I can’t…I mean that stuff did not happen to me for no reason….I was meant to learn something from that…and well I need to be cautious, guarded and vigilant. But if I’m trying to protect myself I won’t experience life the way it was meant to be experienced. I can’t live life like there is a sheet of glass around me…like I can see, but can’t touch….thats not right. We need to take risks! That’s life! It hurts sometimes…but you get through it somehow….some days I’m surprised how I have managed to cope… (To be honest with you I have not divulged all that happened, because it was too painful, too hard to even think about)…oh gosh…I just have a lot going on in my head and I can’t seem to get away from it…it’s always there…he’s always just kind of there. I’m not depressed or anything just extremely pensive…just lost in thought. I have issues to work out….but don’t we all?

So the last days have been a little hard. I have seen Ryan cry and it was the hardest thing for me to witness…he’s not the crying type…but his grandma passed away a few days ago and it was hard for him. Life and death it’s a natural part of life but...it’s hard to believe that that person you loved so much is really gone and you will never see them again in this life. It’s not like they are on holiday…they are gone. It makes you realize how precious life is and to be happy for what you have. That you are alive and well and have people that love and care about you. It’s an amazing thing…life…death.  We live and we die but a lot of people fear what is inevitable.

I know what you are thinking…gosh she is in such a dark place…I’m not….I just got snowed in my house today and have lots to think about. I can’t go anywhere…just in my head.