Little Talks

Ok so I know…I suck at this up dating thing….you probably thought Ryan killed me on the weekend getaway we had a few weeks ago, well he didn’t I’m still here. So let’s see….I have lots to say but don’t really know where to start. The time is flying by super fast and my departure date creeps ever closer ever nearer, I turn my back for a few weeks and now I can feel it breathing down my neck. Of course I am super excited beyond belief. I will be shortly reunited with a dear friend that is more of a sister to me. It will be so wonderful to see each other in person instead of just through Skype… (Skype in a way is like torture because you can look but you can’t touch… (And of course I mean this in a non sexual way….hahahhahahha!)) But with traveling abroad for a few months it raises a lot of questions…I know I’m not going to be there for a year but a lot can happen in the span of a few months… (I’m sure you understand what I mean…check pervious post if you need proof) At least in my life a lot of things have changed…and they have changed for the better. The question that keep racing around in my mind are….mostly silly things like…What the hell I’m I going to pack? Do I really want to pack a bikini? Will I not fit in? What if I look like an elephant next to a bunch of gorgeous Swedish girls? Of course my biggest and main concern is what will happen with my relationship with Ryan? We talk and see each other almost every single day, he is my best friend and I love him to death…but I have a nagging fear that something is going to go wrong…but maybe I shouldn’t think that way…or it will. I will miss him a lot but I just wonder if I will meet someone…I don’t want to and I’m not planning my whole trip to meet someone new….what if he meets someone? It’s just life happens and well it never really ever goes as planned, does it? Well he said he will be here waiting for me… (That is if I ever return…his words not mine!) There’s just a bunch of things to think about and a lot of factors to add and minis or divide…maybe even multiply…?? HAHAHAHAHA! Anywho….

My trip with Ryan was a lot of fun! We went to Washington and stayed with his cousin. His cousin lives out in the country. It was nice to get out of the hustle and bustle of the city….and my city isn’t even that big compared to most places. Any way I had fun. Ryan took me to go rock climbing…that was a hell of a challenge…I mostly would stray on over to the kids while and climb that so I could slide done the slide…I felt like I got a reward for getting to the top…I still had a good time. My hands swelled up so much they got all puffy and red. It’s because when you climb you use muscles in your hands that I had no idea they even existed! The next day…Ryan and his cousin took me out to a clear cut to shoot guns…I was terrified and thrilled all at the same time. Ryan had been prior to this giving me a lecture about how guns aren’t toys and yada yada yada….and he’s right… you definitely need to know what the hell you are doing…and don’t fuck around, cause it could be the last stopped thing you do. Anywho…Ryan showed me how and I shoot a few different ones a 22. 45. and some others…I have no idea…but Ryan was proud that I shot some of the big guns. He was grinning ear to ear. The best part of the trip was singing at the top of my lungs with Ryan while we drove for four hours. We were jamming out and Ryan’s voice cracks most of the time…and every time I laugh…Oh that kid is something else! He is a blessing in my life that is for sure.

The other day we had a going away/happy birthday party for my Abeulita aka Grandma. She is going back El Salvador and I won’t see her till after I get back. I usually have a blast at my family functions but I had not seen my days family in months…I felt kind of out of place…my cousin Jasmine (Who I usually am really chill with) ignored me. And well most of my cousins have kids…(it’s like an unsaid rule in dads side of the family but every year someone gets knocked up or gets someone knocked up.) I’m not a part of this club which is fine by me…no kids for me please! I will just watch from a far… (Once again that sounded creeper than what I meant….hahahaha) Any way the one thing my cousin Jasmine did decide to talk about with me was Evan. She swears she saw him at her school and thought I had to know….I got that lump in my throat, the one I always get when ever Evan comes up. I wasn’t really sure what to do with this piece of information…so I talked to Ryan about it… (Cause well Ryan goes there and I am planning on going there in the fall) It was kind of a bad idea but surprisingly Ryan provide me with the best “comfort”…well kind of…he said if I didn’t care about him it shouldn’t really matter….he’s right…to an extant…I just don’t want to deal with Evan being in my life in some shape or form….that is a factor I minus awhile ago…and I want it to stay that way. Well as we know life will be life and it will present me with whatever it wants to present me with….it’s just how I deal with what life decides to throw at me that matters.

Well that’s all folks…..for now….I’m sure we will meet again sooner than later.

im going on a mini trip with Ryan this weekend...tell you about when i get back!

"For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth. "

Life can be tough at times and all you really need is a hug and a shoulder to cry on. You don’t need words you just need to be raw and let yourself feel what you need to feel. It can be hard sometimes for a lot of people to be so vulnerable, but if that’s what you need why try to hide it. Sometimes it’s really hard to show what you really feel but by not sharing you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. I thought that I could try and hide my insecurities….but I can’t. The reality of my situation is I got really scared and hurt, I’m letting that affect things with the relationship I have now. Why do we do that? I mean they are nothing alike….only small things…make me sit and wonder. I feel like this is too good to be true and something bad is going to happen…he’s going to try and kill me or worse…be with someone else…(I know I rather die than be cheated on again…how crazy is that….it just hurts so bad..It still hurts) I wish I really could believe that I can be happy. I know I love Ryan but…I’m holding back and he knows it…he can feel it. Like the other day he asked me how well I knew him…he said I never ask him questions. I thought about it and he’s right…I don’t really ask…because I don’t really want to know. That’s messed up isn’t it? I said well you ask me questions all the time…you know me…he said not really…you never really answer them…you give really vague answers. I just kind of laugh it off and talk about something random. Ryan said I’m like a puzzle and well it makes him work that much harder to gain my trust to be worthy of what I have to tell him. I don’t understand why he loves me so much. A part of me feels like it’s just because he just wants to start a new chapter in his life and I seem like a good prospect. Why can’t I just believe he has no motive…he isn’t using you…or is he? Grrrrrr….So the other day Ryan did something somewhat reminiscent of Evan…I had a panic attack…I just left and ran away. Ryan says he understands….but no one really can…a lot of shit went down in a short amount of time…and well let’s face it wasn’t that long ago…I’m still digesting a lot of it still.  I wish I could let it go and just start really fresh….but I can’t…I mean that stuff did not happen to me for no reason….I was meant to learn something from that…and well I need to be cautious, guarded and vigilant. But if I’m trying to protect myself I won’t experience life the way it was meant to be experienced. I can’t live life like there is a sheet of glass around me…like I can see, but can’t touch….thats not right. We need to take risks! That’s life! It hurts sometimes…but you get through it somehow….some days I’m surprised how I have managed to cope… (To be honest with you I have not divulged all that happened, because it was too painful, too hard to even think about)…oh gosh…I just have a lot going on in my head and I can’t seem to get away from it…it’s always there…he’s always just kind of there. I’m not depressed or anything just extremely pensive…just lost in thought. I have issues to work out….but don’t we all?

So the last days have been a little hard. I have seen Ryan cry and it was the hardest thing for me to witness…he’s not the crying type…but his grandma passed away a few days ago and it was hard for him. Life and death it’s a natural part of life but...it’s hard to believe that that person you loved so much is really gone and you will never see them again in this life. It’s not like they are on holiday…they are gone. It makes you realize how precious life is and to be happy for what you have. That you are alive and well and have people that love and care about you. It’s an amazing thing…life…death.  We live and we die but a lot of people fear what is inevitable.

I know what you are thinking…gosh she is in such a dark place…I’m not….I just got snowed in my house today and have lots to think about. I can’t go anywhere…just in my head.

I'm Falling Even More In Love With You

Surprise surprise!! I’m alive! I know what you must be thinking where the hell have you been? Have you been eating by squirrels? Nope…and before you ask another question I will just say nope to that as well. I have been around. I have been enjoying life and I got all caught up in it.... (Your welcome Lisa…this is for you). Ok were to start….so much I should say! Ok Well I will be going to Sweden May 25^th 2012! Its official I will be there in about two freaking months! Ahhhhhhhh! I’m sooooo excited! I have been working towards this for months. Lisa! (And the wonderful people of Sweden) I hope you are ready for this! Also the plan is to travel to other countries in Europe as well. I’m so excited! I’m going to live the dream! Ok so let’s see…what else has happened…ok…I will tell you the highlights of the month….

All right….sometime around the 10^th of February my cousin Pearl turned 20… (Yieks!!) We are close but don’t get to see each other that often…but when we do…It’s always a good time. Any way she had a party and well I got wasted….it was not pretty sight. But Ryan my man came and helped me out. It was so funny how Pearl and Ryan met…he was in the car and Pearl was saying goodbye to me outside the window. She gave Ryan a lazy smile and said “Thanks for picking up my drunken cousin” Ryan chuckled and said no problem…as I was screaming out the window “I Love You PEWE!!!” That night Ryan was very understanding and very kind with me. He took care of me. (I love the kid!) Also that night his roommate of a female dog (she is mean…and I don’t like her very much…she just rubs me the wrong way….and I like people…there just something about her…and it’s not good…) Any way he took me to his place first but she kicked him out as well as myself…can you believe that shit…it’s his home as well…he can do what he wants….anyway this started a later drama that I will get to in a bit. I swear she was just waiting by the stairs just to yell at us…I didn’t even make a sound….grrrrrr….(Oh I just want to add that I don’t get hangovers…thank you budda!)

So a few days go by and it’s Ryan’s 24^th Birthday! YAAAAAA!!!!! In between that time I told Ryan about this guy at work who has been flirting with me hardcore….My friend Kay (I work with her) and I have been over it and well she understands that I’m just a friendly person…so is this guy Miles…but he is more friendly with me…he touches my arm and bumps into me on purpose….I know what you must be thinking so what…but the messed up thing about it, is that his now ex girlfriend helped him get the job there…and yes she still works there and yes we are friends. It’s just awkward… (More on this later) Any who, Ryan had a joint Birthday party with his cousin that I went to. I met all of Ryan’s family…It was really fun. We played pool and this game called bunko and I’m not bad at it. It was an interesting evening…that is for sure. BAHAHAHAHAH!

Ok so towards the end of February I really upset Ryan…I made comment about Miles at the wrong time….well I should have not said anything period…but I say shit without thinking….The comment more or less implied that I messed around with Miles…I WAS KIDDING! I WOULD NEVER! I really hurt Ryan’s feelings…and we were going to hangout but he just took me home…he couldn’t even look at me. The next day at work was super uncomfortable…he texted me early that morning saying he loved me so much and didn’t want to lose me. I thought we were ok but…he did not say a single word to me...Not one…he ignored me…but we were going to go to dinner with his mother after I got done with work at 4:30…we went but they were talking about him moving back home…the situation with his roommates has not gotting any better...anywho we had a talk…and I found out that Ryan is the jealous type. I get jealous too, but not that jealous unless I see or hear something I don’t like, something to make me see red. He was telling me in the past a lot of ex girlfriends would play mind games with him and well it kind of affects his present relationship with me. He says he trusts me…but he feels like if I bring him up… is that the guy I really want to be with instead….the answer is HELL NO! I understand where he is coming from. So at the end of our talk he just asked that I never bring him up again…I looked at him and said “I don’t even know who you are talking about.” He smiled and said “Good neither do I” I’m so happy I have him in my life! He is amazing! He is just the best! But a few weeks ago…Ryan asked me if I was still in love with Evan. I froze…I was like where did that come from? My mother ended up running into Evan’s grandma at a grocery store…they talked and my mother asked her how Evan was doing. She told her that he has come with terms with the whole situation…he is taking his meds and volunteering keeping busy. His grandma told my mom that Evan had two big things that he retargeted this summer, not getting to go to his Leap year program and losing me from his life. When my mom told me this I just swallowed a big lump and felt somewhat sick. I wanted to cry….Soooo I told Ryan that I wasn’t in love with the kid still…I just wonder about him from time to time….

Any way now it’s March! Its crazy time is just whizzing by. I will do my best to keep in touch with this part of my life but…the real world has so many places its talking me….and you know what…I’m enjoying the ride!

A Little Bit

Sometimes I wish my life had a movie sound track. Music is just one of the ways that I can express myself. At times it can be better than words....if you don't have the courage to say it yourself, say it with music. A few days ago Ryan texted me and said this song makes me think of you. The song was "Because of You" by Ne-yo. I always wanted someone to do this, to just be like this song reminds me of you. I think its the sweetest thing in the world, it makes my heart sing just thinking about it. Gosh! Ryan is the best, he opens doors for me and he will just kiss my hand just because. He treats me with such respect and I know he really cares. I feel like its kind of to good to be true and a very very small part of me wants to run away...but that would be stupid! Why would I ran away from something like this? I need to push that out of my head...I am only thinking like that because of the past...and the past has nothing to do with my future that's why its in the past. The other day I realized that I maybe in love with him......Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I freaked out. I was crying and all pissed off, but than I realized why should I be? This is the best thing that has happened to you in a long time and your upset? What the heck is wrong with you? I felt so bad for Ryan he was so confused. He said he would pick me up from work and I was like no you don't have to its ok....so I texted my mom begging her to pick me up....she couldn't so I had to text Ryan asking him if he could pick me up (I felt so dumb). He said yes. (of course he would....) I was so nervous when I got in his car...I couldn't tell him. That’s a huge thing to say! I don't just toss that word around. Of course the first thing he asks is “What’s up kid? Your freaking me out." I was like "Lets not talk about it...." at one point he stooped trying but it was just all strange...and I would take a deep breathe and try but I couldn't. He would be like "What?" I would say "You know....I know you know." He was so confused. I just wanted to hide. After we hung out for a bit he took me home. He was walking me up to my door when I stooped him turned to him and said..."I think I'm a little bit....in love...with...you" I was like oh shit! I said it...I did not think I would. So I than said "A LITTLE BIT" He started laughing and was like "I know kid, I knew you were going to say that all night." I wanted to hit him! I was like "So you did know! You suck!" He than said that he felt the same way. He explained to me that's why he is also freaking out...because this has never happened to him before...he has never developed feelings so fast for someone and in truth I am in the same boat. I mean I am happy and proud to tell people about Ryan, I am not embarrassed at all (That was a different story in my past “relationship“). (I think that's a good thing) Last night however is where it got real. We went out and had breakfast for dinner, its kind of our thing. (try it some time its fun) Anywho Ryan flat out said that he loves me and that he is in love with me. I was in shock. I was like "Did you say what I think you just said?" He hid his face in my shoulder and was like..."I don't know...what did you think I said?" I just hugged him and said in his ear "I love you too..." His smile was so big, so was mine. So Alicia is in love with Ryan and Ryan is in love with Alicia. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What’s funny is after I told him that I was a little bit in love with him I realized I stole lyrics from a song. The song however is word word how I feel about the kid. (I guess I wasn't really conscious of how I felt) So I told him to listen to the song. Hahahahahaha! So my moral of this tale is…you only need 20 seconds of courage to change your life…20 seconds…I know it can be scary but if you don’t do anything about it…who else will. Stop being so hard headed and just let your feelings show…it is so worth it!

Uh ooh ooh uh ooh ooh uh ooh oooh

Uh ooh ooh uh ooh ooh uh ooh oooh

Uh ooh ooh uh ooh ooh uh ooh oooh



Hands down

I'm too proud, for love

But with eyes shut

It's you I'm thinking of

But how we move from A to B it can't be up to me

Cause I don't know

Eye to eye

Thigh to Thigh

I let go



I think I'm a little bit

Little bit



A little bit in love with you

But only if you're a little bit

Little bit

Little bit

In lalalala love with me

Oh ah



Uh ooh ooh uh ooh ooh uh ooh oooh

Uh ooh ooh uh ooh ooh uh ooh oooh



And for you I keep my legs apart

And forget about my tainted heart

And I will never ever be the first to say it

But still I, yes you know, I..I..I..

I would do it

Push the button

Pull the trigger

Climb a mountain

Jump off a cliff

Cause you know baby I love you love you

A little bit

I would do it

Iwould say it

cause it was you and I, not only I

Ha hm



I think I'm a little bit

Little bit

A little bit in love with you

But only if you're a little bit

Little bit

Little bit

In lalalala love with me



I think I'm a little bit

Little bit

A little bit in love with you

But only if you're a little bit

Little bit

Little bit

In lalalala love with me

Ah oh



Come here, stay with me

Stroke me by the hair

Cause I would give anything

Anything

To have you as my man



Come here, stay with me

Stroke me by the hair

Cause I would give anything

Anything

To have you as my man



Little bit

Little bit

A little bit in love with you

But only if you're a little bit

Little bit

Little bit

In lalalala love with me



I think I'm a little bit

Little bit

A little bit in love with you

But only if you're a little bit

Little bit

Little bit

In lalalala love with me



I think I'm a little bit

Little bit

A little bit in love with you

But only if you're a little bit

Little bit

Little bit



Little bit

Little bit



Little bit

Little bit

Little bit...

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Time Flies When You Are Having Fun....So True

 Is it really already the end of the month? When did this happen!? I feel like it has gone by way to fast. Before life/time seemed to be going by super slow speed, it was so painful I just wanted it to be over. Now I never want this feeling to go away, it’s amazing. So you probably want to know how my date with Ryan went. It went really well I couldn’t stop smiling afterwards. I was so happy. He is a really sweet guy that makes me laugh and smile and I really love spending time with him. He is the best. I have not really stopped hanging out with him sense our first date. That’s why I have not been on here for awhile. Lately I have been only doing three things, working, sleeping or hanging out with Ryan. I wish I could tell you all the aspects of this relationship (yes I did say relationship) but I want to keep this to myself in a way. It’s really special to me. It’s all just happing so fast, but it feels so right. I would actually be ok to use the word boyfriend…( I hate that word, but I could use it with Ryan….it’s kind of freaking me out) I really like this kid….I feel like I should have my heart more on lock down, I mean that was my plan, I mean seeing what the heck I have just been through I should be a total bitch to any guy who is only just being nice to me. HAHAHAHAHAhAhA! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I think I know what this is…but it just can’t be. I should explain that I really did like Ryan for awhile, but I repressed my feelings for him cause 1. We work together 2. He is a bit older than me (but I like it, I thought he had a problem with my age) 3. I just got out of a rather fucked up relationship and I didn’t really think I had anything to offer. So he was like the guy that I just messed with at work. We played pranks on each other and well we set up Christmas trees together. That’s where we really bonded, it’s not a lie when they say the holidays bring people closer together. It’s just funny how when you have an open mind, things become so clear. Things really do happen for a reason. It’s like destiny or something crazy like that. Well I work tonight but Ryan is going to come and pick me up and he is going to come over and we are going to watch Despicable Me. I am sooo excited! Ok so I know I say this a lot but…I will be back and I will try to write at least once I week. I promise! I will do my best, until next time. Love Life!

I Must Be In A Dream.....Life Is To Sweet To Be Real! This Is Not The Life I Am Used To.

Another Naked Guy...Really?

Hello...I know, once again I disappeared from my own little world on the internet. I am sorry and once again I will just blame it on life being in the way...along with my being depressed. I have been in the dumps, ever since there was a naked guy running around at work. HAHAHAH! Normally you would think it would make my day, but all it did was remind me of the one person I just want to forget about. I should really start from the begging before you get confused about the story of my wonderful life. So I was having a good few weeks, everything was fine and dandy nothing was getting me down. Than my boss called me and asked if I could come in early and help take down Christmas trees (More money for me in Sweden! So why turn it down?). I agreed and I was off to work. As I was pulling in to work I saw this dazed and really confused young guy warped in a bed sheet sitting on a bench. He had that same look. I walked past him in a rush because I felt that I could not breath, I wanted to throw up my insides. Everyone was standing in the lobby staring at him, I looked at some of my fellow coworkers asking them a silent question..."What the hell was going on?" Any way the guy had that same look as Evan did when he was in that weird state of mind and it really freaked me out. I had a panic attack at work. I got some tea and hid in a room trying to breathe and restring my tears, because I knew if I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. They ended up calling the cops and carted him away...just like Evan. All day I was a bit unhappy to say the least. I was having reruns all day in my head of Evan in his manic mind (It was GREAT….). Ryan (He works with me in a different department) was all concerned about me, he is used to me smiling all the time (I did not realize that I smiled so much). He just wanted to make me smile so he made it his goal to do just that. He did an amazing job and at one point he made me blush and giggle like a little girl. Bahahahahahaha! Any way ever since that day I have been a little off, because from far away I thought it was Evan, I am not paranoid or anything I just thought this because when he was in the strange state of mind he tried to see me several times at work. It got me anxious. Any way I am doing a bit better not a 100% but I am getting there. I also kind of got asked out by Ryan, I really did not see that one coming. I knew he fancied me, but not to the point of that he wants to see me outside of work. He is a bit older than me (by five years...hahahaha!) Sooooo we shall see. He is a cool kid, and is fun to hangout with. That’s what I need in my life FUN! We all could use a little more fun. Well I am out, until my next epic story…..

Soooo Much On My Mind, I Can't Get Away From It........