I Did It! I Really Did!

Sorry I have been under the radar the last few days....I had work and life going on. Well I saw Evan, it was the strangest thing. I had not seen him in months. We met up by my place of work and went for a walk along the bike path. When I saw him, I wanted to turn around and run the other way...a part of me really didn't want to do what I had to do. We approached each other slowly not sure what the other one was comfortable with. We were strangers in a way, but not really. I did smile when I saw him, I don’t know whether it was nervous smile or just me being happy to see him in the "Real World". We really did not say much, just small talk which was stupid, what I really had to say had to wait. Any way as we were walking along we ran into Ethan....hahahaha! That was kind of funny. We did not say much to each other because he was on his way to work and he was late. However Evan did see how my face just lit up when I saw him, he saw how happy I was to see Ethan, I think that made him kind of sad. I felt kind of bad about it, but a small part of me was smiling with sheer pleasure...I was like "Ah! See I have good looking guys that think I am the best! Muhahahahaha!" (Of course this is what I am thinking in my head) Anyway I looked at Evan and I mean really looked at him, and said that at one point we just had to sit down and talk. He agreed and he suggested we walk to a park that has a bridge to sit under. (Did I mention that it was pouring down rain, it has not rained in weeks and for some reason it was super stormy, I felt like the weather was reflecting my emotions) We sat down and I really looked at him for the first time, I just wanted to cry. I told him that this was going to be the last time I was going to see him or talk to him. He did not look that surprised just extremely sad. I told him he did not deserve to have me in his life after all the things he had put me through. I said there was no way I could ever just be his friend, that would be unfair to him and I both. He said to me that he respects my decision and he will leave me alone if that’s what I want. A part of me wanted him to fight, but I realized that he really must be starting to think about me and what I want, in the past if I asked him to leave me alone he would do exactly the opposite of that. He vowed to me that in the future he would not ever be deceitful or hurt the person he really cares about. I just kind of sat there and cried and told him I never wanted to lose him from my life but he ultimately made the choice to let me go. He could not really say much, he just looked at me with sad eyes. After that I just got up and said "Well that’s all I had to say, so I am going to go...I wish you only happiness in your life, for you to be happy and healthy." I turned and walked away and did not look back. When I crossed the bridge I just smiled, I felt so liberated. I walked all the way to a friend’s house in the pouring rain (It took me about three hours, it rained the whole way) When I got to her house she was shocked to see how wet I was, I mean I was dripping. She had me sit down by the fire and we talked about what a huge thing I just accomplished, she was very proud of me. She had me write a letter about Evan and things that I should have said or done but I couldn’t. After that I put it in the fire and watched it burned. I really let go of all the bitter sweet things that I shared with Evan. One thing I wish I had done was just give him a hug for the last time, but instead I got up and walked away never looking back...not even once. I never regretted my relationship with Evan, he was in my life for such a time to teach me something, the lesson was hard but it got across. As the saying goes "Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall into place" I really believe this. So with that I am going to ring in the New Year with no Evan in my life. I am going to move forward and live life to the fullest, I am not going to let great and wonderful things pass me by. I am going to live life with gusto. I am going to live a happy and healthy life. I just want to give lots of love to all the people that have helped me deal with my life this last year. Thank you for loving and supporting me through the thick and the thin. I love you! I am wishing you all, only the best New Year yet!

PS: Ethan said I was gorgeous… (I don’t think I ever blushed so hard in my life, good thing it was dark…HAHAHAHA!)

Kill Me Now!!!!!

So he did end up calling me....and like the weak person I am....I picked up. I know what you are thinking "What the hell is wrong with you?" Trust me I am asking myself that question almost everyday....still no answer...Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Anyway this happened awhile back ago and I don't remember every word he said. I do however recall him telling me that he did not want to lose me form his life, I told him if he really cared sooo freaking much he would have never done what he did to me, because he knew how I felt about it. He had nothing to really say to that. Like I said to him..hes the one who really made the decision in the end...not me. Any way he said that if it would "Heal and Nurture me" he would not ever speak to me or see me again if that's what I wanted. Of course that's not what he wants, but he wants to respect my wishes. Cool make me look like an asshole for telling you to bug off. It makes me soooo mad! I asked him "What did he want from me?" he said "My friendship" and he also wants to try and fix me sense HE broke me...I mean what kind of F'd up shit is that! I told him I don't NEED him to role up and fix MY LIFE...I can do that on my own....Thank you very much.

But I have made a plan and I know some of you may want to kill me for doing this, but I have deiced to see him one last time before the new year is here. I really don't want my last memory of him to be in a hospital with scrubs on....that just seems to painful. I am going to see him and tell him face to face how thankful I am for the fact that he cheated on me (again). Ya I know why would I be thankful for such a thing...well because it got him out of my life for good, and he wont bring crap in to my future. He will be in the past with 2011 and I will go on with my life in 2012 without him in it. It feels amazing just to think about. I am looking forward to a kick ass new year! I mean I will be traveling and having the time of my life! I am so excited for it all!

Oh work has been GREAT (Not at all). People are getting sick left and right no one was happy and It just kind of sucked. I also had to work on Christmas, I was kind of sad about that...but hey more money for me. I just hope I can get some people to cover for me this week. I just need some time for me. But I had a wonderful day. There is nothing that means more to me than family and friends. They are my world and life and I love them all sooooo much!

I hope everyone had a Happy Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah as well as a Happy Kwanzaa!

I Can't Take This!

It really pisses me off that whenever I feel really down or miss August (Evan) he has to call me! Whats up with that shit?!! Why does he do that? How does he know that deep down, all I really want is to talk to him. I hate it. I wish I could make it stop. So right when I got off of work he called me, but I did not pick up I refused. So I listened to his voicemail and he wanted to give me an update on his life and whats new. I think he wanted to talk about seeing each other. I can't, I know if I see him I am going to brake down and cry and be very vulnerable, I never want to be vulnerable again, especially with him. Anyway he said he would try calling me again in an hour or so. Sooooooooooo I have a choice to hide my phone or wait and see at the moment if I want to talk to him. I still don't know. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I should do what I want, but what I want is not best for me or anybody. Gosh! I just need a clean brake. You know like bones. Bones can't really grow back together that well if they are still attached. Who knows...he most likely wont end up calling me back...I am hoping for that anyway.


By the way the cookie party was soooo much fun. I mostly decorated cookies. :) Ethan was the only guy there so that was kind of interesting. I made a cookie that was his "Dream Girl" It looked like a crazy stripier, it had one blue and on green eye, she was wearing a bikini and I gave her a heart in a rather funny location. Ethan asked me why she had a heart "Down There" I said "Because she love you long time" HAHAHAHA! I have never seen him so red.  HAHAHAAH! He than made my "Dream Guy" it had a six pack, blonde hair and a red speedo. HAHAHA! He also named it Maximus. A funny thing happened at the cookie party. One of my friends mentioned Evan and I was like...lets not talk about this...and of course Ethan was like "Oh come on lets here the ex story". So I said "Oh you know it's the classic tale of your boyfriend going to a mental hospital and than you wind up finding out the bastard cheated on you months before" ( I said this with a smile on my face.) Ethan started laughing, but than he saw my friends face and looked at me and said "Your not joking?" I said "No Ethan, no I am not" His face was priceless. HAHAHAAHAHAH! I can't wait to tell my future boyfriends that my ex boyfriend ended up in a mental hospital and maybe I will say it was because of me. MUhahahahahahahaha!

Ends Up Ending

Why hello there....hahahaha! Sorry for kind of going crazy on my last post. I still feel the same way but I am calming down a bit (a wee wee bit, not that much really to tell the truth, but I am getting there) Evan's mother did write me a message saying that he will be back on the 3rd of January and that she was wondering if I wanted to help decorate his new room...he is moving in with his grandmother. I asked her if he was going to be there because apparently he has two short visit coming up before he gets back home. I dont want go if he is going to be there, I cant and I really don't care to see his face. ( I know I sound sooooooooooo mean I should be more understanding yada yada yada...but hey I am a Scorpio and we hold on to shit...hahaha!(just sooo you know never piss off a Scorpio they will get you back ten times even a thousand times worse in the end)) Anyway I do miss his family and I do hope to see them soon, they are all so wonderful people. So we will see how this  will end up.....I hope it doesn't end up with me getting crushed....but its how it usually ends up ending these days.


On to a happier note...I am going to a cookie party tomorrow after work! I am excited. Its at Kay's apartment and Ethan is going to be there along with some other people from work. It should be really fun. I always have fun with them. It will be nice to just laugh for a couple hours and of course bake delicious cookies/cupcakes (I know it will sadden some of you to hear this, but I have not baked since the summer...) I am also looking forwarding getting to know Kay's new creepy roommate. HAHAHAHA! He is a strange guy. When he first moved in he grabbed Chloe's (Kay's other roommate) feet and started massaging them...it was only a week when he moved in. Any way he is just kind of off. Ethan, Kay, Chloe and I now have a inside joke about how we need to get a foot rub. HAHAHA! I asked Ethan at work if he would rub my feet and he said sure as a joke, but one of the other servers over heard and thought he was rubbing peoples feet and wanted him to rub theirs, (Hehehehehehe!) He was like "This joke isn't funny any more." HAHAHAHA! Of course I was all like "He has soft gentle hands and really knows what hes doing!" (Ethan has never whats soooo ever touched my feet, he hasn't even looked at them.) HAHAHA! He gave me a dirty look after that. HAHA! Any way I am excited and can't wait to just have fun with my friends! :D

Do We Love to Love or Love to Hate?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I FEEL SO ANGRY! I just want to yell and scream! I really just want to punch August (aka Evan) in the face. I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me. I am just sooooo pissed at him! Why would he make me feel less than what I am worth? Why would he say he loved me to my face and than go behind my back and fool around with some tramp?! GRRRRRRRRRRR! All I ever did was love him with every thing I have and I seem to be the only one paying for that. Why should I pay? Just because I care with my whole heart? I just don't get it......It just angers me. I know what you all must be thinking....."She seemed happy just a few days ago?" Well I was...just not at this point in time. To answer your other question...NO I HAVE NOT TALKED TO HIM, Nor do I ever care to talk to him or see his face ever again. I have come to a rather huge epiphany the last few days. I was thinking to myself..."Why would I continue any kind of friend ship with someone who did not even really care about what we had in the first place? Surely they would care way more? I don't want him as my friend. He was not a good "Boyfriend" why would he be any better as a "Friend"". GOSH! I really hate his guts at this point in time! Whats done is done. He made his choice, and I have made mine.....At one point, I truly thought you loved me......my mistake..............

MUMFORD AND FUCKING SONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I saw Mumford and Sons!!!! It was epic! I went with my friend Kelsey from work and her brother Ryan. We had seats on the third floor which was not bad....but it was far away...so Kelsey and I decide to be bad asses and move to the first floor. We found some seats and prayed that we wouldn't get kicked out. We said we would try it out and if it didn't work we tried. Well it worked! It was a great show. They are such ted talented guys. They played alot of new songs and of course the songs that made them well known. I wanted to laugh, scream and cry all at the same time. Kelsey was laughing at me, cause when the lights went out I was like.."Fuck, fuck fuckedy fuck FUCK!" HAHAHAHA! I just lost it. The next day my voice was not really my voice more like a frog croaking. People thought I was dying, "Oh my god are you ok? Whats wrong?" Of course I responded I was more than ok. I saw MUMFORD AND SONS!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAA! Kelsey and I got home around 3 in the morning, that kind of sucked but I kept her awake for the most part....hahaha! With my lovely singing voice (Poor girl went through alot....)

Anyway last night I went to go see The Muppet's with my friends Ethan, Kay and her roommate Chloe. It was alot of fun and after the movie we had a fun talk about why guys can be stupid. HAHAHAHA! Ethan loved that, but he did provide alot of insight. Ethan is a really cool guy and I like the kid. HAHAHA! But its never going to happen. We just have a good time hanging out and I am ok with that.

Tonight I am going over to a game night at my friend Kelsey's house. It should be fun. Lots of young university students just having fun...maybe Ethan will be there. HAHAHA! I know I will have a good time no matter what.
I am going to have to walk there how ever. It is COLD outside. But I wont freeze to death.

And last but not least. I talked to August  on the 5th and I think its time that I tell you his real name. His real name is Evan. We talked on the phone for about two and half hours....I had no idea, time just flew when I was talking to him. We had a deep and very intense conversation. He told me how deeply sorry he was for hurting me and yada yada yada.....It was nice for him to apologize but a little to late. It did mean alot however. He said that he will be back home in about two to three weeks if all goes well. He also wants to see me...I told him I think about it. Or that I would and if it was to much I would leave, but I think it be better if i stayed away. I really do. I know its the right thing to do. For me.....Its just sad. I want something that will never be. So when I have time off I will hangout with friends. They really can keep my mind off of Evan....especially my guy friends. HAHAHAHAHA!

Well I need to go get ready for game night! I will let you know how it goes. :D

Good Times!!!!!!!

This is a picture of a no hands mousse eating contest, it was a fun day at work :D

I Lost My Heart, and I Lost My Faith

Almost Human

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry I have not been in touch. The last few days I was not feeling so good and I didn't really want to share my negative vibes with the world. So I kept them to my self. Lets see.....the start of my week was wonderful. I hangout with an old friend of mine, we kind of had a date...It freaked me out a bit cause I have known him for about 6 years he is a great guy and he is the best, but I don't really feel like I want anything to do with guys period. Also there is the slight problem that I still love my ex boyfriend who is in a hospital and will be there for 2 months, lets not forget that my ex boyfriend did not at all treat me the way I deserved. Why do I love that asshole? I wont lie to you my love is really fading away. Its really rather sad.......Anyway I also hangout with a friend of mine from work, well she no longer works with me but I met her from there. She goes to the university here in town. We had a good time. I went to her house and made dinner and after that we had a fun time shoving my bike into her tiny ass car. By the time we got it in there I was sitting on the dashboard, we couldn't stop laughing.


All this week every night I have had dreams about August. Its driving me insane! Why cant I just cut him out?! Anyway that's when I saw that I missed his phone call. He left a voicemail and half of me was tempted to delete it without listening,but I was weak and listened to it. He just wanted to call and tell me about his life at the place where he is at. I just want to yell at him and tell him he cant just pop up in my life when he wants to but that's wrong...right? Mmmmmmmmm....There is so much I want to say to him but at the same time I just want him to fuck off. A part of me even feels like he isn't even real...he is real, he just feels like a dream. A bad dream at this point. I feel like I am being mean, but its just what I feel at this point in time.


Well tonight I am going out with my friends. I am excited. I hope I can just go crazy! HAHAHAHAAHA! I really just need to have fun and let loose. I will let you know how it goes. See ya!


PS: I found out the band Mumford and Sons is going to perform near to where I live! I am going to go even if that means I need to sell a liver to the black market. HAHAHA!