Sorry I have been under the radar the last few days....I had work and life going on. Well I saw Evan, it was the strangest thing. I had not seen him in months. We met up by my place of work and went for a walk along the bike path. When I saw him, I wanted to turn around and run the other way...a part of me really didn't want to do what I had to do. We approached each other slowly not sure what the other one was comfortable with. We were strangers in a way, but not really. I did smile when I saw him, I don’t know whether it was nervous smile or just me being happy to see him in the "Real World". We really did not say much, just small talk which was stupid, what I really had to say had to wait. Any way as we were walking along we ran into Ethan....hahahaha! That was kind of funny. We did not say much to each other because he was on his way to work and he was late. However Evan did see how my face just lit up when I saw him, he saw how happy I was to see Ethan, I think that made him kind of sad. I felt kind of bad about it, but a small part of me was smiling with sheer pleasure...I was like "Ah! See I have good looking guys that think I am the best! Muhahahahaha!" (Of course this is what I am thinking in my head) Anyway I looked at Evan and I mean really looked at him, and said that at one point we just had to sit down and talk. He agreed and he suggested we walk to a park that has a bridge to sit under. (Did I mention that it was pouring down rain, it has not rained in weeks and for some reason it was super stormy, I felt like the weather was reflecting my emotions) We sat down and I really looked at him for the first time, I just wanted to cry. I told him that this was going to be the last time I was going to see him or talk to him. He did not look that surprised just extremely sad. I told him he did not deserve to have me in his life after all the things he had put me through. I said there was no way I could ever just be his friend, that would be unfair to him and I both. He said to me that he respects my decision and he will leave me alone if that’s what I want. A part of me wanted him to fight, but I realized that he really must be starting to think about me and what I want, in the past if I asked him to leave me alone he would do exactly the opposite of that. He vowed to me that in the future he would not ever be deceitful or hurt the person he really cares about. I just kind of sat there and cried and told him I never wanted to lose him from my life but he ultimately made the choice to let me go. He could not really say much, he just looked at me with sad eyes. After that I just got up and said "Well that’s all I had to say, so I am going to go...I wish you only happiness in your life, for you to be happy and healthy." I turned and walked away and did not look back. When I crossed the bridge I just smiled, I felt so liberated. I walked all the way to a friend’s house in the pouring rain (It took me about three hours, it rained the whole way) When I got to her house she was shocked to see how wet I was, I mean I was dripping. She had me sit down by the fire and we talked about what a huge thing I just accomplished, she was very proud of me. She had me write a letter about Evan and things that I should have said or done but I couldn’t. After that I put it in the fire and watched it burned. I really let go of all the bitter sweet things that I shared with Evan. One thing I wish I had done was just give him a hug for the last time, but instead I got up and walked away never looking back...not even once. I never regretted my relationship with Evan, he was in my life for such a time to teach me something, the lesson was hard but it got across. As the saying goes "Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall into place" I really believe this. So with that I am going to ring in the New Year with no Evan in my life. I am going to move forward and live life to the fullest, I am not going to let great and wonderful things pass me by. I am going to live life with gusto. I am going to live a happy and healthy life. I just want to give lots of love to all the people that have helped me deal with my life this last year. Thank you for loving and supporting me through the thick and the thin. I love you! I am wishing you all, only the best New Year yet!
PS: Ethan said I was gorgeous… (I don’t think I ever blushed so hard in my life, good thing it was dark…HAHAHAHA!)
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