Uninspired and Complacent to be Left with This Arrangement This is Always One Thing You Can't Win

Sooooooooooooo much has happened I don’t even really know where to start.  So on the 6^th of October I talked to August. It was a good conversation, we both agreed to just try and be friends…however I told him if I were to see him soon I would most likely be sick, just thinking about what he did.  The next night I decided to go out with my Cousin Pearl (aka Pewe).  We had a good time at a party and just talking late into the night about life and yes guys…The next morning I found out that August tried calling me four times and left me a voicemail.  I listened to it and I got so scared. He sounded so sad and really really depressed he said some things that basically implied that he just wanted to be dead. I know what he did to me was messed up on so many levels but I would never wish him harm, all I ever wanted for him was to be happy and healthy (seems simple enough...right?) So I called him back and he did not answer so I left him a voicemail saying that I was coming over and there was nothing he could do to stop me.  So I went to his house and he rushed out to see me. He hugged me for a very long time and when he looked into my face it was like he had not seen me in years and he was trying to memorize every angle of my face so he would never forget it.  We just hung out and talked and went for a long walk. It was good some things really freaked me out like that fact that he talking about suicide and that he hated himself and what he did to me. I told him we all make choices in life and we need to deal with the consciences.  He took a path that I did not want to be a part of. He is somewhat strange on the medication he is on, but he is still in there... ..somewhere. I was on my way out and he stood at the front of his house and as I was about to leave on my bike he ran to me and he said “You are an amazing beautiful person inside and out and you should never change.  You deserve to be happy and I want you to know that I love you and I will always love you unconditionally” I pulled away from him and he looked like he was about to cry. I just held his hand and told him that I will always care about him and that he better not try anything stupid like killing himself cause that would NOT be cool, nothing can ever be that bad for you to do something like that.  I have not seen or heard from since.

After that I hung out with one of my close friends, Celeste. We also went for a long walk and talked about life. I hadn’t really hung out with her since she got back from Sweden. It was nice to just talk like old times. We made a plan to try and go to Sweden together next summer. It would be so magnificent if we did. After that I went to work and it went well.

However I tried to get a hold of August today to tell him about a cleanse, because he really wanted to do one to detoxify his body. His mom told me that he apparently is starting relapse in to another little manic episode again. I feel horrible about it and I really wish I could help him but I can’t. I was thinking about seeing him tomorrow because I have the day off, but then one of my other close friends that I work with called me and asked if I would cover for her. At first I was like you know I just really need some time for myself, cause I haven’t really had time for me. I then just said August’s name and she flipped out on me. I was really shocked cause no one has ever done that to me. She was all saying how she was dealing with some crap to and that I seemed like I didn’t care because I was all wrapped up with August. I started to cry one of those ugly cries. I felt so bad because she was right and just being honest with me. I was being a terrible friend and just only focusing on one thing in my life. I love her! She really is an amazing friend I am happy that I have someone that can call me out on my crap. I want people to be honest with themselves and with me. It’s important to let everyone’s voices to be heard. So I am covering for her tomorrow night, which is good because otherwise I would be lost in a world of August and that’s not my reality, that’s not my world. I love him, but I can only do so much for the kid I feel stuck. But I need to find a balance in my life and realize it’s not all about him or all about me either.  It’s a very hard balance to find indeed.