The First of (What May be Many) Many Heartbreaks

Hello to whoever may be reading this. This is my first post of what I hope will be many posts to come. My life at times can be sooo painstakingly normal and at other times I feel like the life I am living is no way mine. I have these crazy ups and downs and I would usually keep these things to myself, but I feel like maybe if I can share what I have learned I won’t only help myself but others as well. (This is a crazy long post, so don’t feel the pressure to read the whole thing, I wish that my life would have let me take brakes…oh well…)


The last two weeks of my life have been pure hell. (Ok I know that sounds way out there, but trust me when I say I never saw what was about to hit me....not really anyway.) Sooooo I fell in love, ya that’s how it’s usually spouse to go right? I fell in love with a boy named "August" (let’s just call him that shall we) He meant everything to me, my best friend. We could be doing anything and have a blast because we were that wonderful. I have known August for about four years but we became closer after switching to the same school our junior year, any way back to when our friendship grew in to something more. It was our senior year in high school (around the end of September 2010), August was acting strange I had no idea what was up, until one of my friends told me he liked me and I mean really liked me. I was like no way! We were friends! I mean I did at one point in time wished that he could see that I had a thing for him, but I realized we were better off the way we were friends and that’s all. But a part of me was like this is your chance go for it! So I did, I went for it. It was amazing! Of course we had hard times in our relationship but we always seemed to fix things, we were always honest with one another.


We had been together for six months and I decide that August was the one that I wanted to go all the way with. We were each other’s first (as first times typically go it was a bit awkward and I kind of wanted to laugh, but it got better as it should with the more practice you get…Hahahaha!) Everything was cool and great with us. About a month after that he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend (we will call her Colorado). He called me up the day it happened and told me. I was of course shocked and pissed off. I was like what? I thought we were good? What did I do wrong? Am I not pretty…? All kinds of question and I had no answers. The next day we had class together (it was like a scene from a movie...except ten times worse) I am soooo happy that I had a friend that was in that class with me and coincidentally happens to be going through the same thing with her bf (aka bt..aka boy toy) August was being an asshole, there were only about ten people in that class and that day he decide to be loud and annoying and have all eyes on him. It was like nothing happened. There I was stuck in a class with him for an hour and a half and I refused to look at him. (If I did I would have cried tires of anger) From the corner of my eye I saw him looking at me and my friend confirmed this fact for me. Finally the bell rang and I could not get out of there fast enough. When school got out I went right up to him and said we really needed to talk, he agreed and we met up at his house. I asked him why he did it….his answer…She was wearing a short skirt.( I know what a dumbass thing to say) I asked if they just made out he said yes, for about half an hour. (My jaw needless to say hit the floor)  told him I needed space and that I most likely would not talk to him for about a month cause when I looked at him I felt soooo sick. How can someone that loves you, disrespect you like that? I didn’t get it (I still don’t get it) Anyway about a week went by and I did not hear a word from August, I was sure that we were over and done with. But one weekend I heard this thump, thump, THUMP! I shot out of bed and looked at the clock it was about five in the morning (sometime in June). I looked out my window and standing there was August with his amazing smile on his full lips and looking up at me. He asked me to come down and talk, and like the sucker that I am I did. We went to this open field that is near my house and watched the sunrise together, we did not say a word to each other. There we sat for about an hour or so or it felt like it…I don’t really know. He tried talking several times but I would raise my hand to my lips and shock my head. He smiled and looked away. We did start to talk and it felt like old times. I realized at that point how much I missed him and the love I had for him. We got up to say goodbye but somehow my mouth found his and he just held me so tight that I felt I could not breath, it just felt sooo right but I knew that in the back of my mind it was wrong, I ignored it.


So the summer began with a bang! I was so happy! I felt it was the way it was meant to be. I had never been so happy. We found a common ground and we did our own things and yet made time for one another. I told August that I loved him so much that in any point he wanted to end our relationship I would be ok with that because I would not love him if I tried to keep him from what he wanted. I just wanted honesty and the truth, I don’t want my life to be a lie, no one does. I have always wanted what was best for him, to be happy and healthy. In July, August started going to a lot of festivals and he met a lot of interesting people. I met some of them, I liked some and disliked others. He changed a lot that summer and one day I confronted him about it he said that his mind had been expanded and he saw things in a new light. I asked like what and he said dating more than one person at a time. I was like you know I have no problem if that’s how you want to live your life I will step down and let you do that, that’s not me and I don’t want that. He looked at me and said “But I don’t ever want to lose you, you are one of the best things in my life, I love you with everything I have for all of eternity, you are my soul mate” I said “I felt the same way”


Our summer was going to be short lived however, he was going to go to gap year program for about 8 months thousands of miles away from home. We talked about it and agreed that we would make the long distance relationship thing work cause we could. So August left in the begging of September and I was sad of course, but moved on with my life. Four days go by and I get a text from his mom saying that he may end up coming home sooner than we thought. A part of me enjoyed being a part and another part of me was jumping with joy at the news. A few more days go by and his mother told me that things were looking good. Then on the day before August is suppose to go to Guatemala his mom text’s me saying they need to drive nine hours to get him because he was being sent home. I was stunned!  I couldn’t believe he was tossing this chance aside. (I would kill to travel) But he was coming back home to me and it would be like old times. I told his mom that she should let me know when they would be heading back she did and I thought they would have been home soon…two days had pasted and I heard no word from his mother or him. So I texted her and asked her what was going on. (This is where shit gets crazy) She called me and told me that August had had some kind of mental break down and thought he was some kind of god with powers and magnets in his head. (He was insane) He thought his parents were trying to hurt him so he ran in to the woods and was in there for about two days no food or water they had a search party with k9 units and helicopters and did not find him. They put up missing persons posters. I was beyond confused about the situation. I couldn’t understand how could he have changed in less than a week, how is this possible? Well they found him and brought him back home. They got in to town about 5:30 in the morning. He wanted to see me. I saw him and did not even recognize him. There was no love or compassion in his eyes. It was the strangest thing I have experienced. I hung out with him for about three hours that day and at times I felt like I was talking to him and at other times the “other August”. It was like I had to tame a wild animal because that’s what he was acting like. I got him to be really calm at one point and he said under his breath “That stuff with (let’s call her K) K and Colorado should have never happened, I love you, you are the only one I love”. K is a girl he met at one of the festivals and I met her as well she seemed nice enough, I wasn’t really sure how I felt about her. I was taking a back, but he was out of his mind maybe he had no idea what he was talking about…that’s what I told myself. August ended up in a mental hospital because he became a danger to himself and others. It was crazy! So I visited everyday that I could. When I saw him he would curl up on my lap like a child and lay his head on the nape of my neck. The visits were hard to deal with, seeing him in a place like that broke my heart. He got better with each passing day and eventually he “woke up” He did not remember the last eleven days of his life. It freaked him out (like it would freak out any one) He was in the mental hospital for about a week and a half and was diagnosed with being bipolar. (If you don’t know much about it you should look it up, it’s trippy stuff)

He was able to get released from the hospital a few days ago. I was helping him remember the stuff that had happened, some things were really hazy and other things he had no clue what I was talking about. He thought he was drugged, he had really crazy theories, but they took a blood sample from him and found nothing. He was home and his family and I were relived cause for awhile things looked very serious. When I was with him however something was really bugging me…the thing he said about K. So I asked him what had happened between the pair of them he was really quiet, I asked “Did you kiss?” He wouldn’t look at me. I was sooooo livid. He said he was sorry and he knew he messed up. I told him that he knew how I felt about it and it shouldn’t have happened. I left his house and went for long walk to think about life. I realized at this point in time he really didn’t need me to be mad at him, he was going through so much already. So I went back to his house and told him I will be there for him as a friend but I didn’t know if we would be more than that, I said let’s just wait it out, he agreed and we reconciled. The next morning I texted K to tell her I knew what had happened and that I didn’t want someone like her in my life, I told her I knew it wasn’t only her fault but this stuff had happened in July and she met me the same month and wanted to be my new best friend. I told her I felt like she was manipulating me. She then told me that August and her had went way beyond kissing(Yes they went all the way...and then some,(And yes I just puked a bit in my mouth)) and it had happened more than once, and she decide to give me very explicit details, I never asked for them. Once again my world was flipped upside down. I charged to August’s house and I felt like pure anger and hate had posed my body.  I severed everything at that point with him. He could not say anything. I told him all I ever done was love him and all I asked of him is to be open and honest, I could take the truth even if it hurts. I just wanted the truth I got it and it hurt like hell. I told him that I wish him the best in life and I hope that it would treat him well. As I walked out the door he tried to grab my hand but I filched back and looked into his eyes and said “Don’t you dare touch me.” I never heard my voice sound like it had so much venom behind it. I also had never seen him look so sad. I walked out and did not look back. I have not talked to him in like two days…it feels like a million years. So ya….know I am dealing with my first major heart break…if you have any tips to duel the pain that would be great, but life wouldn’t be life if we did not have any ups or downs. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and I know that I have so much a head of me. My life isn’t over, it’s just beginning.