I Did It! I Really Did!

Sorry I have been under the radar the last few days....I had work and life going on. Well I saw Evan, it was the strangest thing. I had not seen him in months. We met up by my place of work and went for a walk along the bike path. When I saw him, I wanted to turn around and run the other way...a part of me really didn't want to do what I had to do. We approached each other slowly not sure what the other one was comfortable with. We were strangers in a way, but not really. I did smile when I saw him, I don’t know whether it was nervous smile or just me being happy to see him in the "Real World". We really did not say much, just small talk which was stupid, what I really had to say had to wait. Any way as we were walking along we ran into Ethan....hahahaha! That was kind of funny. We did not say much to each other because he was on his way to work and he was late. However Evan did see how my face just lit up when I saw him, he saw how happy I was to see Ethan, I think that made him kind of sad. I felt kind of bad about it, but a small part of me was smiling with sheer pleasure...I was like "Ah! See I have good looking guys that think I am the best! Muhahahahaha!" (Of course this is what I am thinking in my head) Anyway I looked at Evan and I mean really looked at him, and said that at one point we just had to sit down and talk. He agreed and he suggested we walk to a park that has a bridge to sit under. (Did I mention that it was pouring down rain, it has not rained in weeks and for some reason it was super stormy, I felt like the weather was reflecting my emotions) We sat down and I really looked at him for the first time, I just wanted to cry. I told him that this was going to be the last time I was going to see him or talk to him. He did not look that surprised just extremely sad. I told him he did not deserve to have me in his life after all the things he had put me through. I said there was no way I could ever just be his friend, that would be unfair to him and I both. He said to me that he respects my decision and he will leave me alone if that’s what I want. A part of me wanted him to fight, but I realized that he really must be starting to think about me and what I want, in the past if I asked him to leave me alone he would do exactly the opposite of that. He vowed to me that in the future he would not ever be deceitful or hurt the person he really cares about. I just kind of sat there and cried and told him I never wanted to lose him from my life but he ultimately made the choice to let me go. He could not really say much, he just looked at me with sad eyes. After that I just got up and said "Well that’s all I had to say, so I am going to go...I wish you only happiness in your life, for you to be happy and healthy." I turned and walked away and did not look back. When I crossed the bridge I just smiled, I felt so liberated. I walked all the way to a friend’s house in the pouring rain (It took me about three hours, it rained the whole way) When I got to her house she was shocked to see how wet I was, I mean I was dripping. She had me sit down by the fire and we talked about what a huge thing I just accomplished, she was very proud of me. She had me write a letter about Evan and things that I should have said or done but I couldn’t. After that I put it in the fire and watched it burned. I really let go of all the bitter sweet things that I shared with Evan. One thing I wish I had done was just give him a hug for the last time, but instead I got up and walked away never looking back...not even once. I never regretted my relationship with Evan, he was in my life for such a time to teach me something, the lesson was hard but it got across. As the saying goes "Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall into place" I really believe this. So with that I am going to ring in the New Year with no Evan in my life. I am going to move forward and live life to the fullest, I am not going to let great and wonderful things pass me by. I am going to live life with gusto. I am going to live a happy and healthy life. I just want to give lots of love to all the people that have helped me deal with my life this last year. Thank you for loving and supporting me through the thick and the thin. I love you! I am wishing you all, only the best New Year yet!

PS: Ethan said I was gorgeous… (I don’t think I ever blushed so hard in my life, good thing it was dark…HAHAHAHA!)

Kill Me Now!!!!!

So he did end up calling me....and like the weak person I am....I picked up. I know what you are thinking "What the hell is wrong with you?" Trust me I am asking myself that question almost everyday....still no answer...Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Anyway this happened awhile back ago and I don't remember every word he said. I do however recall him telling me that he did not want to lose me form his life, I told him if he really cared sooo freaking much he would have never done what he did to me, because he knew how I felt about it. He had nothing to really say to that. Like I said to him..hes the one who really made the decision in the end...not me. Any way he said that if it would "Heal and Nurture me" he would not ever speak to me or see me again if that's what I wanted. Of course that's not what he wants, but he wants to respect my wishes. Cool make me look like an asshole for telling you to bug off. It makes me soooo mad! I asked him "What did he want from me?" he said "My friendship" and he also wants to try and fix me sense HE broke me...I mean what kind of F'd up shit is that! I told him I don't NEED him to role up and fix MY LIFE...I can do that on my own....Thank you very much.

But I have made a plan and I know some of you may want to kill me for doing this, but I have deiced to see him one last time before the new year is here. I really don't want my last memory of him to be in a hospital with scrubs on....that just seems to painful. I am going to see him and tell him face to face how thankful I am for the fact that he cheated on me (again). Ya I know why would I be thankful for such a thing...well because it got him out of my life for good, and he wont bring crap in to my future. He will be in the past with 2011 and I will go on with my life in 2012 without him in it. It feels amazing just to think about. I am looking forward to a kick ass new year! I mean I will be traveling and having the time of my life! I am so excited for it all!

Oh work has been GREAT (Not at all). People are getting sick left and right no one was happy and It just kind of sucked. I also had to work on Christmas, I was kind of sad about that...but hey more money for me. I just hope I can get some people to cover for me this week. I just need some time for me. But I had a wonderful day. There is nothing that means more to me than family and friends. They are my world and life and I love them all sooooo much!

I hope everyone had a Happy Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah as well as a Happy Kwanzaa!

I Can't Take This!

It really pisses me off that whenever I feel really down or miss August (Evan) he has to call me! Whats up with that shit?!! Why does he do that? How does he know that deep down, all I really want is to talk to him. I hate it. I wish I could make it stop. So right when I got off of work he called me, but I did not pick up I refused. So I listened to his voicemail and he wanted to give me an update on his life and whats new. I think he wanted to talk about seeing each other. I can't, I know if I see him I am going to brake down and cry and be very vulnerable, I never want to be vulnerable again, especially with him. Anyway he said he would try calling me again in an hour or so. Sooooooooooo I have a choice to hide my phone or wait and see at the moment if I want to talk to him. I still don't know. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I should do what I want, but what I want is not best for me or anybody. Gosh! I just need a clean brake. You know like bones. Bones can't really grow back together that well if they are still attached. Who knows...he most likely wont end up calling me back...I am hoping for that anyway.


By the way the cookie party was soooo much fun. I mostly decorated cookies. :) Ethan was the only guy there so that was kind of interesting. I made a cookie that was his "Dream Girl" It looked like a crazy stripier, it had one blue and on green eye, she was wearing a bikini and I gave her a heart in a rather funny location. Ethan asked me why she had a heart "Down There" I said "Because she love you long time" HAHAHAHA! I have never seen him so red.  HAHAHAAH! He than made my "Dream Guy" it had a six pack, blonde hair and a red speedo. HAHAHA! He also named it Maximus. A funny thing happened at the cookie party. One of my friends mentioned Evan and I was like...lets not talk about this...and of course Ethan was like "Oh come on lets here the ex story". So I said "Oh you know it's the classic tale of your boyfriend going to a mental hospital and than you wind up finding out the bastard cheated on you months before" ( I said this with a smile on my face.) Ethan started laughing, but than he saw my friends face and looked at me and said "Your not joking?" I said "No Ethan, no I am not" His face was priceless. HAHAHAAHAHAH! I can't wait to tell my future boyfriends that my ex boyfriend ended up in a mental hospital and maybe I will say it was because of me. MUhahahahahahahaha!

Ends Up Ending

Why hello there....hahahaha! Sorry for kind of going crazy on my last post. I still feel the same way but I am calming down a bit (a wee wee bit, not that much really to tell the truth, but I am getting there) Evan's mother did write me a message saying that he will be back on the 3rd of January and that she was wondering if I wanted to help decorate his new room...he is moving in with his grandmother. I asked her if he was going to be there because apparently he has two short visit coming up before he gets back home. I dont want go if he is going to be there, I cant and I really don't care to see his face. ( I know I sound sooooooooooo mean I should be more understanding yada yada yada...but hey I am a Scorpio and we hold on to shit...hahaha!(just sooo you know never piss off a Scorpio they will get you back ten times even a thousand times worse in the end)) Anyway I do miss his family and I do hope to see them soon, they are all so wonderful people. So we will see how this  will end up.....I hope it doesn't end up with me getting crushed....but its how it usually ends up ending these days.


On to a happier note...I am going to a cookie party tomorrow after work! I am excited. Its at Kay's apartment and Ethan is going to be there along with some other people from work. It should be really fun. I always have fun with them. It will be nice to just laugh for a couple hours and of course bake delicious cookies/cupcakes (I know it will sadden some of you to hear this, but I have not baked since the summer...) I am also looking forwarding getting to know Kay's new creepy roommate. HAHAHAHA! He is a strange guy. When he first moved in he grabbed Chloe's (Kay's other roommate) feet and started massaging them...it was only a week when he moved in. Any way he is just kind of off. Ethan, Kay, Chloe and I now have a inside joke about how we need to get a foot rub. HAHAHA! I asked Ethan at work if he would rub my feet and he said sure as a joke, but one of the other servers over heard and thought he was rubbing peoples feet and wanted him to rub theirs, (Hehehehehehe!) He was like "This joke isn't funny any more." HAHAHAHA! Of course I was all like "He has soft gentle hands and really knows what hes doing!" (Ethan has never whats soooo ever touched my feet, he hasn't even looked at them.) HAHAHA! He gave me a dirty look after that. HAHA! Any way I am excited and can't wait to just have fun with my friends! :D

Do We Love to Love or Love to Hate?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I FEEL SO ANGRY! I just want to yell and scream! I really just want to punch August (aka Evan) in the face. I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me. I am just sooooo pissed at him! Why would he make me feel less than what I am worth? Why would he say he loved me to my face and than go behind my back and fool around with some tramp?! GRRRRRRRRRRR! All I ever did was love him with every thing I have and I seem to be the only one paying for that. Why should I pay? Just because I care with my whole heart? I just don't get it......It just angers me. I know what you all must be thinking....."She seemed happy just a few days ago?" Well I was...just not at this point in time. To answer your other question...NO I HAVE NOT TALKED TO HIM, Nor do I ever care to talk to him or see his face ever again. I have come to a rather huge epiphany the last few days. I was thinking to myself..."Why would I continue any kind of friend ship with someone who did not even really care about what we had in the first place? Surely they would care way more? I don't want him as my friend. He was not a good "Boyfriend" why would he be any better as a "Friend"". GOSH! I really hate his guts at this point in time! Whats done is done. He made his choice, and I have made mine.....At one point, I truly thought you loved me......my mistake..............

MUMFORD AND FUCKING SONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I saw Mumford and Sons!!!! It was epic! I went with my friend Kelsey from work and her brother Ryan. We had seats on the third floor which was not bad....but it was far away...so Kelsey and I decide to be bad asses and move to the first floor. We found some seats and prayed that we wouldn't get kicked out. We said we would try it out and if it didn't work we tried. Well it worked! It was a great show. They are such ted talented guys. They played alot of new songs and of course the songs that made them well known. I wanted to laugh, scream and cry all at the same time. Kelsey was laughing at me, cause when the lights went out I was like.."Fuck, fuck fuckedy fuck FUCK!" HAHAHAHA! I just lost it. The next day my voice was not really my voice more like a frog croaking. People thought I was dying, "Oh my god are you ok? Whats wrong?" Of course I responded I was more than ok. I saw MUMFORD AND SONS!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAA! Kelsey and I got home around 3 in the morning, that kind of sucked but I kept her awake for the most part....hahaha! With my lovely singing voice (Poor girl went through alot....)

Anyway last night I went to go see The Muppet's with my friends Ethan, Kay and her roommate Chloe. It was alot of fun and after the movie we had a fun talk about why guys can be stupid. HAHAHAHA! Ethan loved that, but he did provide alot of insight. Ethan is a really cool guy and I like the kid. HAHAHA! But its never going to happen. We just have a good time hanging out and I am ok with that.

Tonight I am going over to a game night at my friend Kelsey's house. It should be fun. Lots of young university students just having fun...maybe Ethan will be there. HAHAHA! I know I will have a good time no matter what.
I am going to have to walk there how ever. It is COLD outside. But I wont freeze to death.

And last but not least. I talked to August  on the 5th and I think its time that I tell you his real name. His real name is Evan. We talked on the phone for about two and half hours....I had no idea, time just flew when I was talking to him. We had a deep and very intense conversation. He told me how deeply sorry he was for hurting me and yada yada yada.....It was nice for him to apologize but a little to late. It did mean alot however. He said that he will be back home in about two to three weeks if all goes well. He also wants to see me...I told him I think about it. Or that I would and if it was to much I would leave, but I think it be better if i stayed away. I really do. I know its the right thing to do. For me.....Its just sad. I want something that will never be. So when I have time off I will hangout with friends. They really can keep my mind off of Evan....especially my guy friends. HAHAHAHAHA!

Well I need to go get ready for game night! I will let you know how it goes. :D

Good Times!!!!!!!

This is a picture of a no hands mousse eating contest, it was a fun day at work :D

I Lost My Heart, and I Lost My Faith

Almost Human

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry I have not been in touch. The last few days I was not feeling so good and I didn't really want to share my negative vibes with the world. So I kept them to my self. Lets see.....the start of my week was wonderful. I hangout with an old friend of mine, we kind of had a date...It freaked me out a bit cause I have known him for about 6 years he is a great guy and he is the best, but I don't really feel like I want anything to do with guys period. Also there is the slight problem that I still love my ex boyfriend who is in a hospital and will be there for 2 months, lets not forget that my ex boyfriend did not at all treat me the way I deserved. Why do I love that asshole? I wont lie to you my love is really fading away. Its really rather sad.......Anyway I also hangout with a friend of mine from work, well she no longer works with me but I met her from there. She goes to the university here in town. We had a good time. I went to her house and made dinner and after that we had a fun time shoving my bike into her tiny ass car. By the time we got it in there I was sitting on the dashboard, we couldn't stop laughing.


All this week every night I have had dreams about August. Its driving me insane! Why cant I just cut him out?! Anyway that's when I saw that I missed his phone call. He left a voicemail and half of me was tempted to delete it without listening,but I was weak and listened to it. He just wanted to call and tell me about his life at the place where he is at. I just want to yell at him and tell him he cant just pop up in my life when he wants to but that's wrong...right? Mmmmmmmmm....There is so much I want to say to him but at the same time I just want him to fuck off. A part of me even feels like he isn't even real...he is real, he just feels like a dream. A bad dream at this point. I feel like I am being mean, but its just what I feel at this point in time.


Well tonight I am going out with my friends. I am excited. I hope I can just go crazy! HAHAHAHAAHA! I really just need to have fun and let loose. I will let you know how it goes. See ya!


PS: I found out the band Mumford and Sons is going to perform near to where I live! I am going to go even if that means I need to sell a liver to the black market. HAHAHA!

I Love My Loved Ones!!!!!

Hello....
I know it has been a long time since I have been on my blog. My life has been a blur I really don't have much to say about anything. A few days ago some of the best memories were made. I was celebrating Thanksgiving with my dads side of the family. They celebrate alot of things differently than alot of other families, it usually involves alcoholic beverages, loud music and non stop dancing. I shared a dance with my father, it was the best. I also saw him drop it to the floor 10 mins later that was funny! :D


I have been working alot and am just tired. Today was my first full day off of work, It has been about three weeks since that happened. I really needed a break, because I was about to break.


I will write when I can.


See Ya!!!!

I Am Alive, Just Dead On My Feet....

What is the meaning of my name?

I have always been fascinated with names. I have a theory that people that have the same name tend to be alike in some ways (of course each and every person is unique and quirky in their own way). Any way I was looking up the meaning of my name and this is what I found.

Teutonic		Noble humor.
Swedish		Truth.
Spanish		Spanish form of Alice honest.
Latin		A Latinized form of the German Alice, from Adalheidis meaning nobility.
Greek		Honest.
German		Sweet.

It appears that I am sweet, honest, truthful and a person of noble humor. HAHAHAHAHA! I feel like it’s really cool because all I ever try to do is to be honest and truthful with others and myself. That’s how I want to live my life. If you have the time to look up your name you should you could find out some interesting stuff about yourself that you never knew before………..

The Devil as He’s Talking with those Angel Eyes

I had a wonderful Birthday being 19 is not so bad, I defiantly cried more when I turned 15. (Who Knows?) I did cry however. I realized life really does go by fast, especially when you are not really paying attention. I got a lot of fantastic things when I went shopping in the big city. It was fun! I also had a great dinner with my family. I had such a magnificent superb day that I forgot about “him” for a couple of hours. Believe me it’s harder than you would think to forget about someone that you just can’t stop thinking about. Its redonkulous!!!! My birthday never seemed to end people were taking me out to dinner and among those people were August’s mother and step father. I know what you are thinking why the hell would I be hanging out with my ex boyfriends parents. Well let me tell you something. They are amazing wonderful people and if I did not have them in my life I don’t know how the hell I would have been able to deal with the shit I had to deal with the last few months. They are my friends and only want what’s best for me. They gave me a Swedish hand book and a really cool colorful picture of a black cat done by a local artist. The day after my birthday I got a package from Sweden. I was sooooo excited about the stamp for the most part. HAHAHAHAHA! And of course what was inside. I got a cd that you download on your computer to help you learn Swedish. I have been having fun with that. I got a bunch of other things but I don’t really feel like listing all the stuff I got for my “special” day. HAHAHA! Also the other day I met one of the new residents, her name is Barbro and she is from Göteborg. Sooooo now I have to Swedes to practice my Swedish with at work. How cool is that! I think it’s rather exciting myself. HAHAHAH!

 Sooooo I think I am really done with August even as a friend. I just can’t deal with the fact of what he did. I did talk to him on the phone and it was good. We had a good conversation. I just think it would be best for me to just cut him off from my life, the way I see things he decide to do that long before I did, all because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. HAHAHA! (Sorry for being crude but it’s the truth) If you really ever loved or even cared for that person, you would never want to do something that you know would hurt them. My plan is to just fade from his life. I don’t even he will notice or care really. But I know it’s the right decision….right? I mean he is in a psychiatric facility, and he has told me that I am one of his few “friends” that he can talk to. Whatever I am mostly at work anyway and to worn-out to talk to anyone….we shall see how this goes.

One more thing I am so grateful to have all the people that care about me and love me in my life. You are the reason why I look forward to life, to look forward to living. Even the people that I really don’t know that well you have affected my life in a way and for that I thank you.

Happy Birthday to ME!!! (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

The way my last post looks is really bugging me! I am trying to fix it.....HAHAHA! Its not really working.

Soooooo Ya today is my 19th birthday. Its crazy I feel like 18 went by sooo fast and way to much stuff happened I feel way older than 19...(but not complaining....this is my last year of being a "teen") So I better live it up. :) Today I am going to celebrate my birthday in the bigger city. I am going to see some family and then go for some much needed shopping! I never I have been much of shopper, but some one showed me the light. Also I need to find clothes that fit me better, I still seem to be losing weight, its ok that I am but I really don't want to be a twig. I would look funny, I also happen to like my lady bumps thank you very much! HAHAHAHAHA! :D I will let you all know how my B-day goes. I need to get going now. Got to get ready for a 2 hour drive....uhhhhhhhh.....yippee!

PS: Did I forget to mention that I talked to August last night. Oh ya...it happened. More on that later.

No One but You...

I've seen you stumble

I've seen you fall

I've seen you brought down

Feathers and all

Picked your self up

For the ones that you call

Your best friends

I know you've been fighting

What we can't see

Sometimes it takes many faces to be

It takes a time and a place to be free

But in the end

Who would be so cruel

To someone like you

No one but you

Who would make the rules

For the things that you do

No one but you

I woke up this morning

Looked at the sky

I thought of all of the time passing by

It didn't matter how hard we tried

Cause in the end

Who would be so cruel

To someone like you

No one but you

Who would make the rules

For the things that you do

No one but you

~ Doug Paisley

How to Fix a Broken Heart

First things first, you have to remember how beautiful, amazing and how freaking sexy you are! (Mmmmm....sometimes this can be tough….) :(

Next if you got a broken heart you are most defiantly not seeing things clearly….You are probably all like, maybe they still love me or like I’ll never love again! So all you gotta do is make sure your eyeballs are all nice and clean. :)

Sooo now that you are seeing things a little more clearly you need to relax a bit. (I mean if you’re anything like me and someone’s ripped out your heart and freaking stomped on it and used it as a freaking toy!) Then you probably have a little resentful tension right in your tummy.

So reach in there and losing up those knots.

Oh ya and if you have any butterflies in there you should let them out, because they can be soooo annoying…..

Now you can finally fix your heart, treat it gently at first, look deep inside it and see where it is broken.

Then listen to it, most of the time your heart just wants to have fun again. :D

Sooo give it a few things it will love….like a few laughs, talk of affirmations, maybe some flowers. ;)

But wait! There are some things you should avoid, like do not play games with your heart, you will lose and don’t just give your heart to anyone….you’ll never know what they’re going to do with it…. :(

Oh and if your heart is still broken just party your face off and forget about it for awhile. :D

And if you have a broken heart right now…I hoped this helped you. :)

If all else fails you know your mom and dad will always love you….( I hope that's the case, anyway....)

And you know what? I will always have my heart on for you! ;) HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guys Suck!....(Sometimes...)

The other day was not one of my best days. I was a mess all day long. I had a day off from work and I chose to spend it crying. I think it just because I really have not had much time to reflect on a lot of things cause I am working all the time….( ok not all the time but it sure as hell feels like I am). I was mostly upset because I felt like I was cursed to spend my life alone….( I could, but I really would be nice to have someone….) I just don’t understand how you can give everything to someone and then they just screw you over like you don’t even matter. I know I am not the first or the last person to get their heart broken, but I am just scared. I just wonder if a guy will be willing to deal with the fact that I am “damaged”. But maybe he will be damaged to…..who freaking knows…..? I just know I am going to guard my heart, to the existent were people will begin to question if I even have a heart….How sad is that?

PS: August is gone and he didn’t even want to see me to say goodbye. I know I shouldn’t care but I do.

You’re Going to Break Another Heart, You’re Going to Tell Another Lie

Ok so the last few days have been busy and I am just so freaking tired. I have been working everyday 9 am to 7 pm. I love what I do but I am looking forward to my two days off. I wish I had more time off, oh well. So my first phone call with August was strange and a bit uncomfortable, for him….and a bit for me he just made things awkward from the start saying he didn’t want to talk but he wouldn’t hang up. So I was like do you just want me to hang up on you, he laughed and it was a bit better. I let a few days go by before I called him again. That conversation was way better and we talked about random things, but it was a good random. We talked for about 2 and half hours, last conversation we had lasted about 45 minutes. So it was a huge improvement. I tried calling him again last night around 9 but he was asleep. I was so tired that I decide to go to bed, he ended up calling me around 11 saying that he didn’t want to see me today. The funny thing is that I knew in my heart that the last time I saw him was going to be the last time in a long time. I just knew it. I don’t know how I feel about it. I am a bit sad but I know it’s for the best. On Monday he is being transferred to a hospital that is about two hours away. It’s not really a “hospital” it’s more like a half way house for people that are transitioning form the hospital to the real world. He is going to be there for three months, at least that’s what I understand from his mother. But I am not 100% sure. The last time I saw him he said to me that he remembers telling me that he never wanted to let me go and just wanted to hold me forever. I just looked at him like what the hell? Why are you saying this for? He then looked away and said under his breath, I am just glad that you still hug me, that’s all. Also the last time I talked to him on the phone he said that he loved me. I was in shock cause I don’t know when was the last time he said that to me, I know it’s been a long time. I guess it caught me by surprise because I have convinced myself that he does not care for me one bit, let alone love me. How can he love me? How can you hurt someone like that and then claim you love them? I just don’t get it. I never will. I just wish I knew what to do and what is going to happen, but no life is just one big mystery for me at this point.

I Am Going To Do It!

I am about to call August in two minutes! I saw him about two days ago and well I feel like I should check in with the kid. I will let you all know what happens. I just wanted you all to know that yes, I am still alive. :)


It's November! My Birthday is in 12 days!!!!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

Trouble

I woke up a bit too early for my likening today. I couldn’t really sleep, because I feel nervous. The other day I wrote August a letter and in the letter I more or less said he needs grow and learn from the things he is going through and how he needs to face it. Face the things he has done. I may or not see him today, I saw him about three weeks ago. It’s ok if I can’t see him but I just wonder how he reacted to my letter. I just feel really confused about him. But my mother told me that I don’t really hate him, I just hate what he did to me. In a way that is true, but it’s a lot more than just that. I know it might be awkward for him, but not for me really, I am just sadder about the whole situation. So we shall see if I see him today or sometime next week…..

On to a different subject Halloween is tomorrow! I have work…but I get to dress up at work! I am so excited about it! It’s going to be a lot of fun to see everyone in costume. I am going to dress up as a flapper girl from the 1920’s. I know the residents are going to love it. My hair is going to be all done up and I am wearing a black flapper dress, my makeup is going to be so intense. I am so ecstatic about it! (I will put a picture up later if I can figure it out…hahahaha!)

Nothing else is going down in my life not really anyway, just mundane things, nothing crazy. Just work and my occasional Swedish lesson taught by Jan. I also have been listening to Coldplay nonstop. I really love them. Ya so that’s enough of the crazy stuff in my life. Well I need to go and clean my room, hej då! (Good bye in Swedish)

Life Goes On, It Gets So Heavy

Today has been an absolutely superb and delightful day. It all started with me walking up to go see the chiropractor for the kicks in my neck. She put this strange contraption on my neck that “vibrates”. That’s the only way I can early explain it. It sends electrical shocks through some special pads (I know what you’re thinking it sounds like some sort of torturer device…I assure you it’s not) It feels strange but is amazing, It helped the muscles in my neck a lot. After seeing the chiropractor, my mother and I went for breakfast. I had a nice time talking to her about life and just random things. I enjoyed it a lot. After that I came home and talked to my abuelita (Grandma in Spanish) on Skype for a little bit, she is in El Salvador(Just so you know that's where my dad's side of the family is from, I am half El Salvadorian...I know it’s exciting stuff...). Anywho mmmmmm....where was I? Oh ya so I talked to her for a few minutes that was nice. After that I decide to look at flight tickets to Stockholm, Sweden. I found some for an amazing price I could not pass them up. So I got a hold of Lisa (For those of you who don’t know, Lisa is my sister from another mister. She is amazing I love that girl. She stayed with me and my family for almost a year and yes you guessed it she is from Stockholm, Sweden. I miss her so much and I can’t wait to see her. :D) So it looks like I am going to go to  Sweden sometime in May. I am beyond excited that it is going to happen. Can you believe it? Alicia is going to Sweden! The plan is that I am going to stay for three months…that’s the plan anyway, unless Lisa kicks me out…that would be sad….So  ya I am going to be there in the summer. It will be so much fun, I always have fun with Lisa. J After that I started getting ready for my evening out with one of my cousins. Her name is Jasmine and I had not really seen her in like two and a half months. We had a fall out…I don’t really know why? But we are all good now. We went to this place called the Sushi Station (I don’t really like sushi to be honest, I will only eat it if it has crab in it hahahaha!). We had a long nice talk….ok it was mostly me talking, she wanted to know the whole story about August…and I mean the whole freaking story. It was good to talk to her cause she provided me with new prospective in a way. She understands how I am in love with him and hate him at the same time…it made me feel like I wasn’t the only one. After that I got home and decide to write about my awesome day. Funny fact about today however, it would have been my one year anniversary with August. I totally forgot about it, I only remembered when I was talking about when I should be over him. Ok so there is this thing people say about when you should be over someone it depends how long you were dating and then you divide that number by two, so for example I was with August for let’s just say a “year” I would be over him in six months, so by April I should be over him right? I guess we will see when I get there. Well now that I am talking about the kid I should tell you what’s going on with him. He is still in the hospital, I have not talked about him much because he does not want to see me, I don’t know why, and my guess is he feels embarrassed to be there again, but I have no clue. I do know however that he is no longer in the secure unit, which is good news. That means he is more of himself. His mother told me he wants to write me a letter before he sees me. I am not going to lie to you am kind of freaked out by it. I have no clue what it’s going to be about, it could be a letter saying his sorry, it could a letter trying to win me back (that’s never going to happen), or he could be “braking up” with me…meaning we are no longer even friends (I highly doubt it, but as we know he has surprised me in the past….) I just have no idea, but if he needs space I have no problem giving that to him, if anything the space has helped me out tremendously. It’s good to have space, it gives you a chance to breath, and I love breathing.

How You Like Me Now?

My life keeps constantly changing, which I love. Change is good, but too much change in the span of five weeks (ain’t ganna lie to you) it kind of sucks….I am still learning to adjust to this new reality of mine. I am learning to let go of someone I really love, it feels like an impossible task. I mean I feel like I am losing a piece of myself and in an away I am, and something new will grow in to that missing piece, I just don’t know when or how. I have sworn off guys for a long ass time (It probably won’t last long). I just need this time to figure things out. Find out who Alicia is…I thought had a clue and I do I just need to get a better clue (I am sure you understand) of who I am as a person and what I want for myself in this life. I know one thing for sure I don’t want any cheaters or liars in my life, I don’t need that kind of backstabbing hurt in my life…No one does. I have realized since my near brush with death that I am worth a lot. I matter! I am a wonderful good looking girl who just had a bad boyfriend it had nothing to do with me. That’s one thing about cheating that sucks is you begin to question yourself worth, like is it because I am not pretty , maybe I need to lose fifty pounds, or maybe you are just boring as hell and everyone sees you that way. You just think you are all kinds of messed up. I am here to say that you’re not. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you are not worth anything. Just keep on pushing on and you will grow and learn from the past and become a strong don’t mess with me kind of person (In other words a bad ass).

I feel a lot better since my accident. I can move my neck and I have been taking pain killers to help with the pain. I also haven’t been to work in four days. I am a bit upset about that cause, how will I be able to travel to Sweden if I am not making enough dough (aka money). But I needed to cause almost passed out at work from the pain in my neck.  Gosh! I realized the accident could have been so much worse. I am so grateful to the universe or whatever that I am ok.

Even though I am no longer living with a Swede I am still practicing and learning Swedish. I work with a Swede in my maintenance job. His name is Jan Surstrom (Ok I know I butchered his last name, but I just spelled it out as best as I could) I know that it is a common name from the north. Jan’s father is from the north but Jan grew up in the south of Sweden about three hours from Stockholm. Any way he is my new teacher, but I am kind of developing the way the southerners speak. I hope that won’t be a problem when I go to Stockholm. (But I don’t really think it will matter much because my Swedish still sucks with my “American” accent) HAHAHAAHA! Well I shouldn’t freak out about it to much, as they say; Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow. (This saying applies to so much of my life)

If Only I Could Move My Neck

This really sucks! I will write more later. But I am healing day by day very very slowly.....

I Almost Died Today...But Hey I am Ok!

I am sorry I have not posted much. I have just had a lot going on the last few days, work and seeing August in the hospital, yes he is back in the Johnson Unit, it’s the secure unit. It’s a room locked in a room, locked in another room and then once more another room that’s locked, it is very very intense, trust me when I say you don’t want to be there very long. While I was there a woman was having a meltdown, yelling, screaming cursing and let’s not forget throwing furniture over her head at people. August saw but did not see anything at the sometime…if you can understand that. I was visiting with him for an hour and half and he only smiled at me once. He is like a zombie, devoid of emotion. It’s hard having someone you care about (but at the same time not…) have no idea who you are. At one point I was holding his hand trying to show him that I was there for him as a friend nothing more. He was holding on to my hand very tightly and looking into my eyes. He said under his breath “I remember you” he looked like he was going to cry he took my hand and kissed the back of it and then tried to kiss me but I just pressed his face to mine.  It was sad when I had to go he just stood and watched with blank look on his face. I have not seen in like a week so I don’t know if he is any better or not, I hope he is doing better.


Anyway today I seriously almost died. I was biking to a friend’s house before work and for those of you that don’t know I live on a huge hill. I was biking downhill when I heard this noise, I turned and saw that my back pack flew off the back of my bike I was trying to stop but I was going fast and downhill soooooo I flew in the air and when I came to the back of my bike was on my face. My back is all bloody along with my elbow, hip and other random body parts. My left leg is swollen, and I have a small cut on my chin but the rest of my face is ok (Sweet Lord of the Rings! Thank you!). Luckily for me no one was driving behind me, a woman (named Lora) was driving up hill and stopped to help me along with a man (named Roger)who heard me crash. (According to Roger he said the crash sounded really bad and Lora said it looked awful she thought that I was dead or that I had to go to the hospital…) Roger got all my stuff out of the road and tried to make sure I was ok, they were very sweet people. Lora gave me a ride to my friend’s house. I said thank you but I was really shaken I was crying for like 45 min and it wasn’t because I was in pain physically it’s because I was emotionally hurting. I can barley move now. I never made it in to work that day and I think my boss kind of hates me now. My life is kind of sucking at this point…but at least it keeps me on my toes.


(PS: Always wear a helmet! I swear that if I wasn’t wearing one I could be in the hospital now or dead…that things saved my life. So be smart and wear one!)

Uninspired and Complacent to be Left with This Arrangement This is Always One Thing You Can't Win

Sooooooooooooo much has happened I don’t even really know where to start.  So on the 6^th of October I talked to August. It was a good conversation, we both agreed to just try and be friends…however I told him if I were to see him soon I would most likely be sick, just thinking about what he did.  The next night I decided to go out with my Cousin Pearl (aka Pewe).  We had a good time at a party and just talking late into the night about life and yes guys…The next morning I found out that August tried calling me four times and left me a voicemail.  I listened to it and I got so scared. He sounded so sad and really really depressed he said some things that basically implied that he just wanted to be dead. I know what he did to me was messed up on so many levels but I would never wish him harm, all I ever wanted for him was to be happy and healthy (seems simple enough...right?) So I called him back and he did not answer so I left him a voicemail saying that I was coming over and there was nothing he could do to stop me.  So I went to his house and he rushed out to see me. He hugged me for a very long time and when he looked into my face it was like he had not seen me in years and he was trying to memorize every angle of my face so he would never forget it.  We just hung out and talked and went for a long walk. It was good some things really freaked me out like that fact that he talking about suicide and that he hated himself and what he did to me. I told him we all make choices in life and we need to deal with the consciences.  He took a path that I did not want to be a part of. He is somewhat strange on the medication he is on, but he is still in there... ..somewhere. I was on my way out and he stood at the front of his house and as I was about to leave on my bike he ran to me and he said “You are an amazing beautiful person inside and out and you should never change.  You deserve to be happy and I want you to know that I love you and I will always love you unconditionally” I pulled away from him and he looked like he was about to cry. I just held his hand and told him that I will always care about him and that he better not try anything stupid like killing himself cause that would NOT be cool, nothing can ever be that bad for you to do something like that.  I have not seen or heard from since.

After that I hung out with one of my close friends, Celeste. We also went for a long walk and talked about life. I hadn’t really hung out with her since she got back from Sweden. It was nice to just talk like old times. We made a plan to try and go to Sweden together next summer. It would be so magnificent if we did. After that I went to work and it went well.

However I tried to get a hold of August today to tell him about a cleanse, because he really wanted to do one to detoxify his body. His mom told me that he apparently is starting relapse in to another little manic episode again. I feel horrible about it and I really wish I could help him but I can’t. I was thinking about seeing him tomorrow because I have the day off, but then one of my other close friends that I work with called me and asked if I would cover for her. At first I was like you know I just really need some time for myself, cause I haven’t really had time for me. I then just said August’s name and she flipped out on me. I was really shocked cause no one has ever done that to me. She was all saying how she was dealing with some crap to and that I seemed like I didn’t care because I was all wrapped up with August. I started to cry one of those ugly cries. I felt so bad because she was right and just being honest with me. I was being a terrible friend and just only focusing on one thing in my life. I love her! She really is an amazing friend I am happy that I have someone that can call me out on my crap. I want people to be honest with themselves and with me. It’s important to let everyone’s voices to be heard. So I am covering for her tomorrow night, which is good because otherwise I would be lost in a world of August and that’s not my reality, that’s not my world. I love him, but I can only do so much for the kid I feel stuck. But I need to find a balance in my life and realize it’s not all about him or all about me either.  It’s a very hard balance to find indeed.

                                                           

Nothing but Adele Playing 24/7 (This could be a big problem)

Soooo I have alot to say but I am in no way in the right mind to tell you everything. I got wasted toinght. I dont drink very often. You know the besy part is of course when i am all tipsy august calls me.( more about that later) I love Adele she knows heartache.

Where is My Mind?

Today I went to work! I hadn’t been there in over three days. (Just so you know I work at an old folks home, it’s like a hotel full of very well off elderly people. I work as a waiters in the restaurant) Last time I was there (on Sunday the day I broke up with August) I ended up throwing up at work. It was horrible. My boss still wanted me to work and like the G that I am I worked the whole night, even though I was repressing the urge to hurl on the elderly. Any way it was nice to be back, the older folks always can make me smile they are so sweet (and not to brag but they love me…hehehe!) But I was sooo forgetful, I thought I was fine but my mind was on a track of it’s on, and I hate to say it but it was on August. I miss him a lot and I am worried about him. I hope he’s ok, but at the same time I hate his guts! Love and hate go hand in hand (how wonderful). Any who I forgot to bring deserts and drinks to some of the residents (aka the elderly people that live there) I even missed the fact that I got a new table and they had been sitting there for over thirty minutes, I felt so bad, luckily it was two very sweet elderly ladies that like me so it was ok….I still feel awful about it. I mean how could I not see them, I couldn’t believe that I missed them completely, that’s not me. Other than that work went well I had fun talking to the other waiters and the dish washer boy (he’s a cool guy…not interested though. So don’t even think about it!) I have another deep confession to make (it’s pretty sad and pathetic but I couldn’t help myself…so don’t judge) I drove by August’s house after I got off of work (I will have you know that we do live somewhat close) …I know! It’s appalling! I really miss him and I just want to talk to him but I can’t its killing me! This is way worse than having someone you love dead, because it’s physically impossible to talk to them there’s just no way, but August is still around I know he is and the temptation is so strong. I need to control myself. Oh boy this is tough stuff!

Nature Cured Me

Today was so remarkably incredible. I got to go hiking and be surrounded by wild untamable nature, being out in there makes me really think about life and the bigger picture. There is so much I want to do…and guess what I can! Yes I am sad and hurt, but I will get over it, (what choices do I have really, be happy? Or mop around? Being happy sounds better, it also looks better) I’m already starting to laugh about the situation. I have a deep confession to make however. I miss August very much and I want to know how he is doing….but if I call him he will think we are all good…which were NOT. I just worry about the kid. I did (and still do) love him.  I just don’t know what to do. A part of me wants to show compassion and still be there for him as a friend…and the other part of me wants to make him suffer and pay for what he did. The fact of the matter is even if I castrated him, it wouldn’t be good enough because what he did to me was ten times worse. Ain’t that a bitch…?

The Only Time I’m Not Happy to Lose Ten Pounds

So I have not eaten in three days... (Ok I have only had water and maybe some ginger cookies along with two bananas) But anything else I try to eat it just won’t stay down. It really sucks. I love eating. I have this strange way of dealing with stress, it’s like the physical manifestation of my stress. I need to get it out of me. (I don’t know if it makes since) I am starting to freak out my family however, I really don’t mean to. I mean I have stopped bursting in to tears at random points throughout the day (which is good...right?) At this point I am doing so much better than before. (I think it really helped that I got to write out everything that had happened to me in last two weeks of my life…I still can’t believe how much I have been through…no wonder I feel too sick to eat) I have come to the realization that August did this to me, but I also did it to myself. You should always follow your gut because for the most part its right, listen to it, or suffer the consciences, whatever they may be. I am still really angry that stuff turned out the way they did, but it wasn’t meant to be. Life has some amazing things in store for me, I can feel it. August was just holding me back and I can see that now. I don’t in any way regret my relationship with him, all though the lessons were hard, he taught me some things I will never forget, I will carry those lessons with me till the day I die. I know this part is going to sound crazy but I will always have a special place in my heart and soul for August, even though my love for him at this point has turned to hate. I can see the bigger picture in this whole situation however. (FYI the picture looks freaking beyond marvelous!!!!!)

My Life's Anthem

Truth
The truth is that I never shook my shadow
Every day it's trying to trick me into doing battle
Calling out "faker" only get me rattled
Want to pull me back behind the fence with the [cattle]
Building your [lenses]
Digging your trenches
Put me on the front line
Leave me with a dumb mind
With no defenses
But your defenses
If you can't stand to feel the pain then you are senseless


[Since] this
I've grown up some
Different kind of fighter
And when the darkness come let it inside you
Your darkness is shining
My darkness is shining
Have faith in myself
Truth


I've seen a million numbered doors on the horizon
Now which is the future you choosen before you gone dying.
I'll tell you 'bout a secret I've been underminding
Every little lie in this world come from dividing
Say you're my lover, say you're my homie,
Tilt my chin back slit my throat take a bath in my blood get to know me
All out of my secrets
All my enemies are turning into my teachers.
Because, lights blinding, no way dividing what's yours or mine when everything's shining
You darkness is shining my darkness is shining
Have faith in ourselves
Truth
Yes I'm only loving, only trying to only love
That's what I'm trying to do is only loving
Yes I'm only lonely loving feeling only loving
Till I'm feeling only loving
Ya say it ain't loving ain't loving my loving
But I'm only loving only loving only loving
Only loving the truth.

The First of (What May be Many) Many Heartbreaks

Hello to whoever may be reading this. This is my first post of what I hope will be many posts to come. My life at times can be sooo painstakingly normal and at other times I feel like the life I am living is no way mine. I have these crazy ups and downs and I would usually keep these things to myself, but I feel like maybe if I can share what I have learned I won’t only help myself but others as well. (This is a crazy long post, so don’t feel the pressure to read the whole thing, I wish that my life would have let me take brakes…oh well…)


The last two weeks of my life have been pure hell. (Ok I know that sounds way out there, but trust me when I say I never saw what was about to hit me....not really anyway.) Sooooo I fell in love, ya that’s how it’s usually spouse to go right? I fell in love with a boy named "August" (let’s just call him that shall we) He meant everything to me, my best friend. We could be doing anything and have a blast because we were that wonderful. I have known August for about four years but we became closer after switching to the same school our junior year, any way back to when our friendship grew in to something more. It was our senior year in high school (around the end of September 2010), August was acting strange I had no idea what was up, until one of my friends told me he liked me and I mean really liked me. I was like no way! We were friends! I mean I did at one point in time wished that he could see that I had a thing for him, but I realized we were better off the way we were friends and that’s all. But a part of me was like this is your chance go for it! So I did, I went for it. It was amazing! Of course we had hard times in our relationship but we always seemed to fix things, we were always honest with one another.


We had been together for six months and I decide that August was the one that I wanted to go all the way with. We were each other’s first (as first times typically go it was a bit awkward and I kind of wanted to laugh, but it got better as it should with the more practice you get…Hahahaha!) Everything was cool and great with us. About a month after that he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend (we will call her Colorado). He called me up the day it happened and told me. I was of course shocked and pissed off. I was like what? I thought we were good? What did I do wrong? Am I not pretty…? All kinds of question and I had no answers. The next day we had class together (it was like a scene from a movie...except ten times worse) I am soooo happy that I had a friend that was in that class with me and coincidentally happens to be going through the same thing with her bf (aka bt..aka boy toy) August was being an asshole, there were only about ten people in that class and that day he decide to be loud and annoying and have all eyes on him. It was like nothing happened. There I was stuck in a class with him for an hour and a half and I refused to look at him. (If I did I would have cried tires of anger) From the corner of my eye I saw him looking at me and my friend confirmed this fact for me. Finally the bell rang and I could not get out of there fast enough. When school got out I went right up to him and said we really needed to talk, he agreed and we met up at his house. I asked him why he did it….his answer…She was wearing a short skirt.( I know what a dumbass thing to say) I asked if they just made out he said yes, for about half an hour. (My jaw needless to say hit the floor)  told him I needed space and that I most likely would not talk to him for about a month cause when I looked at him I felt soooo sick. How can someone that loves you, disrespect you like that? I didn’t get it (I still don’t get it) Anyway about a week went by and I did not hear a word from August, I was sure that we were over and done with. But one weekend I heard this thump, thump, THUMP! I shot out of bed and looked at the clock it was about five in the morning (sometime in June). I looked out my window and standing there was August with his amazing smile on his full lips and looking up at me. He asked me to come down and talk, and like the sucker that I am I did. We went to this open field that is near my house and watched the sunrise together, we did not say a word to each other. There we sat for about an hour or so or it felt like it…I don’t really know. He tried talking several times but I would raise my hand to my lips and shock my head. He smiled and looked away. We did start to talk and it felt like old times. I realized at that point how much I missed him and the love I had for him. We got up to say goodbye but somehow my mouth found his and he just held me so tight that I felt I could not breath, it just felt sooo right but I knew that in the back of my mind it was wrong, I ignored it.


So the summer began with a bang! I was so happy! I felt it was the way it was meant to be. I had never been so happy. We found a common ground and we did our own things and yet made time for one another. I told August that I loved him so much that in any point he wanted to end our relationship I would be ok with that because I would not love him if I tried to keep him from what he wanted. I just wanted honesty and the truth, I don’t want my life to be a lie, no one does. I have always wanted what was best for him, to be happy and healthy. In July, August started going to a lot of festivals and he met a lot of interesting people. I met some of them, I liked some and disliked others. He changed a lot that summer and one day I confronted him about it he said that his mind had been expanded and he saw things in a new light. I asked like what and he said dating more than one person at a time. I was like you know I have no problem if that’s how you want to live your life I will step down and let you do that, that’s not me and I don’t want that. He looked at me and said “But I don’t ever want to lose you, you are one of the best things in my life, I love you with everything I have for all of eternity, you are my soul mate” I said “I felt the same way”


Our summer was going to be short lived however, he was going to go to gap year program for about 8 months thousands of miles away from home. We talked about it and agreed that we would make the long distance relationship thing work cause we could. So August left in the begging of September and I was sad of course, but moved on with my life. Four days go by and I get a text from his mom saying that he may end up coming home sooner than we thought. A part of me enjoyed being a part and another part of me was jumping with joy at the news. A few more days go by and his mother told me that things were looking good. Then on the day before August is suppose to go to Guatemala his mom text’s me saying they need to drive nine hours to get him because he was being sent home. I was stunned!  I couldn’t believe he was tossing this chance aside. (I would kill to travel) But he was coming back home to me and it would be like old times. I told his mom that she should let me know when they would be heading back she did and I thought they would have been home soon…two days had pasted and I heard no word from his mother or him. So I texted her and asked her what was going on. (This is where shit gets crazy) She called me and told me that August had had some kind of mental break down and thought he was some kind of god with powers and magnets in his head. (He was insane) He thought his parents were trying to hurt him so he ran in to the woods and was in there for about two days no food or water they had a search party with k9 units and helicopters and did not find him. They put up missing persons posters. I was beyond confused about the situation. I couldn’t understand how could he have changed in less than a week, how is this possible? Well they found him and brought him back home. They got in to town about 5:30 in the morning. He wanted to see me. I saw him and did not even recognize him. There was no love or compassion in his eyes. It was the strangest thing I have experienced. I hung out with him for about three hours that day and at times I felt like I was talking to him and at other times the “other August”. It was like I had to tame a wild animal because that’s what he was acting like. I got him to be really calm at one point and he said under his breath “That stuff with (let’s call her K) K and Colorado should have never happened, I love you, you are the only one I love”. K is a girl he met at one of the festivals and I met her as well she seemed nice enough, I wasn’t really sure how I felt about her. I was taking a back, but he was out of his mind maybe he had no idea what he was talking about…that’s what I told myself. August ended up in a mental hospital because he became a danger to himself and others. It was crazy! So I visited everyday that I could. When I saw him he would curl up on my lap like a child and lay his head on the nape of my neck. The visits were hard to deal with, seeing him in a place like that broke my heart. He got better with each passing day and eventually he “woke up” He did not remember the last eleven days of his life. It freaked him out (like it would freak out any one) He was in the mental hospital for about a week and a half and was diagnosed with being bipolar. (If you don’t know much about it you should look it up, it’s trippy stuff)

He was able to get released from the hospital a few days ago. I was helping him remember the stuff that had happened, some things were really hazy and other things he had no clue what I was talking about. He thought he was drugged, he had really crazy theories, but they took a blood sample from him and found nothing. He was home and his family and I were relived cause for awhile things looked very serious. When I was with him however something was really bugging me…the thing he said about K. So I asked him what had happened between the pair of them he was really quiet, I asked “Did you kiss?” He wouldn’t look at me. I was sooooo livid. He said he was sorry and he knew he messed up. I told him that he knew how I felt about it and it shouldn’t have happened. I left his house and went for long walk to think about life. I realized at this point in time he really didn’t need me to be mad at him, he was going through so much already. So I went back to his house and told him I will be there for him as a friend but I didn’t know if we would be more than that, I said let’s just wait it out, he agreed and we reconciled. The next morning I texted K to tell her I knew what had happened and that I didn’t want someone like her in my life, I told her I knew it wasn’t only her fault but this stuff had happened in July and she met me the same month and wanted to be my new best friend. I told her I felt like she was manipulating me. She then told me that August and her had went way beyond kissing(Yes they went all the way...and then some,(And yes I just puked a bit in my mouth)) and it had happened more than once, and she decide to give me very explicit details, I never asked for them. Once again my world was flipped upside down. I charged to August’s house and I felt like pure anger and hate had posed my body.  I severed everything at that point with him. He could not say anything. I told him all I ever done was love him and all I asked of him is to be open and honest, I could take the truth even if it hurts. I just wanted the truth I got it and it hurt like hell. I told him that I wish him the best in life and I hope that it would treat him well. As I walked out the door he tried to grab my hand but I filched back and looked into his eyes and said “Don’t you dare touch me.” I never heard my voice sound like it had so much venom behind it. I also had never seen him look so sad. I walked out and did not look back. I have not talked to him in like two days…it feels like a million years. So ya….know I am dealing with my first major heart break…if you have any tips to duel the pain that would be great, but life wouldn’t be life if we did not have any ups or downs. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and I know that I have so much a head of me. My life isn’t over, it’s just beginning.